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Adam: I used to teach traffic school with these idiots. They're dicks. They get a little bit of power and they're, like, drunk with it. Oh! Did I hate those guys. Oh! Oh! Teaching that traffic school with all those sanctimonious pricks. They think they're... What is it about teaching someone that makes you into some kinda celebrity all of a sudden? You're getting eighty-six bucks a day, and all of a sudden you're Bill Cosby and you're booked at the MGM? Oh, what a gig! I used to teach comedy traffic school. "Lettuce Amuse You" -- L E T T U C E.
Drew: Oh! Ho ho ho!
Adam: Oh! You know they were funny. They would start every single... Well, first thing I had to do, Drew, is... I had to go monitor three classes. You understand? Three whole eight hour traffic schools for free with no violations before I became a teacher.
Drew: Three classes? Wow.
Adam: So imagine that. I go spend Saturday, all day, Sunday, all day, half day Tuesday, half day Thursday. I do it in like four days, five days, right?
Drew: Mmmm-hmmm.
Adam: Now first: just twenty-four hours of traffic school and you've done nothing. That's number one. That's pain enough. And you don't get paid for it. You just go monitor it. Then they give you the big long speech about how to be funny for the kiddies. And the first thing they do is they go... [Laughs.] Oh! I'll tell ya, everyone is so lucky I didn't know I was literally going to be a millionaire, cause I would have just stood up, I would have stood up, like, every twenty minutes and just yelled at the top of my lungs, "Kiss my ass. Just kiss my ass. Are you guys high?"
Drew: And farted, like you do, on them.
Adam: The first thing they told me was, they tell everyone, and everyone's just nodding their head... And there's a bunch of hack comedians, and actors, and poor -- you know -- people who want it, they're just... Oh! You know, eighty-five bucks a day, big money.
Drew: Too much energy.
Adam: So they go, "Listen. These people are paying, like, an extra fourteen dollars to be in a comedy traffic school, and they expect professional comedians. So the first thing you need to do at the top of every class is sell these people on your credentials. They wanna know that they're working with a professional comedian. And hey, if you gotta pad it a little bit, then pad it a little bit. Talk about the cruise ships you've done, talk about opening for Chuck Mangione, talk about, you know, talk about whatever -- the professional gigs. You know how it is. People B.S. You do an open mic on a Tuesday night for three minutes at The Ice House; say, 'I was booked at The Ice House. I was booked over at The Improv. You see me at The Comedy Store.' Blah blah blah." And I was thinking to myself,"Okay, I don't mind telling 'em I'm a comedian, but how much of the successful comedian part are they gonna buy when we're at a YMCA in Downey and it's Sunday and it's 8:43 in the god damn morning?" Do you know what I mean? How good's the career rollin' along? You think I just headlined over at The Comedy Store for Mitzi last night?
Drew: What does that do besides piss off the people who are sitting there even more?
Adam: It's basically...
Drew: They're already pissed that they're there.
Adam: Of course they're angry they're there! And they blame you, by the way.
Drew: Yeah, you're the messenger.
Adam: You're the man whose keeping 'em there. I was the world's greatest comedy school teacher, though. You know, they would tell people, "If you roll in five minutes late, you'll have to make up that five minutes because you must need, you know, three hundred and sixty-eight actual minutes of instruction time. If you roll in five minutes late, you'll have to stay five minutes during lunch studying the booklet. And if you roll in ten minutes late, you'll have to stay, like, twenty minutes during lunch. And if you come later than ten minutes, you'll have to come back another day; we can't bring you in, because by law this and that." People would roll in like three-and-a-half hours late, I'd be like, "Sit down." They'd be like, "I... Oh, I got... I gotta..." I was like, "Sit down."
Drew: [Laughs.]
Adam: Do I care?
Drew: Well then what did you do? Take them outside and play Frisbee?
Adam: Yeah.
Drew: Yeah, that's nice.
Adam: Listen, I went out to lunch one day with a few students, had a couple cocktails. I came back two-and-a-half hours later. The entire class was sitting on the curb out in front of the classroom. I had the keys to the class. It was actually, like, a room in a bad motel. And I had the keys. They all just sat there. Here's the way I look at it: You're here for eight hours. What do you care? What do you care if I'm over at Margaritas Village having a couple of margaritas?
Drew: Wow.
Adam: Yeah, it's good times there, Drew. That was nice.