Drew: Oh yeah.
The
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Adam: Hey, everybody! It's "Loveline". I'm Adam; that is Dr. Drew. Phone number: 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Tia Carrere is theoretically going to be in the Loveline studio sometime tonight. She's currently on the cover of Playboy, and looking good.
Drew: She could be waylaid by the crowd outside. Know what I'm sayin'?
Adam: [Sighs.] The irony of the dump known as "Loveline" is... Well, first off, the only people that can find Loveline are the ones we don't want to find Loveline, but the celebrities have a lot of difficulty finding it.
Drew: Mmm-hmmm.
Adam: It's really the people that stalk the celebrities that have zero trouble finding the studio.
[Anderson plays the "You Loser" drop.]
Drew: Zero.
Adam: And number three, when they started this gargantuan construction project in the parking lot next to where we are, which really... There was one thing about this place that made it tolerable, which is, you could pull your car right up to the back door. That was the one and only thing that was decent about this hell hole, this pit, Satan's Spittoon. That's the only thing that was good about this dump, and that has been erased. I piped up the second they broke ground, saying, "We gotta get outta this s--- hole before they finish the building next to us." Because I know we're gonna end up moving when they're done putting the last coat of paint on the building that they're working on that is destroying my life. And of course, it's not gonna happen. We will move the second they're done.
Drew: Oh yeah.
Adam: Not a second earlier.
Drew: I'd be surprised if it was even that quick.
Adam: Okay. I blame you, by the way.
Drew: Oh, okay.
Adam: You, Producer Ann... I blame everybody but me.
Drew: Okay.
Adam: 'Cept for the reason we're gonna move is 'cause I had to pick up the god damn phone eventually. Because nothing would never happen otherwise. Never! Never!
Drew: I made several calls on your behalf, if you recall.
Adam: Yeah, all right.
Anderson: It's kinda the same as how you leave every time I'm gone. You're gonna be gone when I have my fill-in in, and that's hell for him.
Adam: Hey! I don't know what you're talking about, Anderson, but be quiet. Tia Carrere is here. Tia, great to see ya, baby.
[Anderson plays the applause drop.]
Adam: Did you miss me?
Tia: I was held up outside by people waving nude photographs at me.
Drew: See? See?
Tia: I don't like that! It's changed. Hello.
Anderson: Hi.
Adam: What's changed? Hi.
Tia: You've all changed. No. The entrance to this place is a little spooky now!
Drew: We were just sharing about that, in fact! Yes.
Adam: Yeah. It's great. It's great.
Tia: Oh well. Yes. But anyway, it's nice to be here.
Drew: How you you describe that entrance now? Just... Corroborate what Adam is saying.
Tia: Post-apocalyptical...
Drew: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adam: Yeah. Don't worry; we'll move...
Tia: ...pre-Renaissance... [Laughs.]
Adam: We're so god damn stupid. What's wrong with us? We'll let them build this huge skyscraper right next to us for six months, and we'll move the day it's over. What is that? That's all right with everybody? That's fine? That's the way we want to go through life? We'll just sit there and let things happen to us, and we'll just bend over and spread our cheeks? That's it. Drew, no opinions on that?
Tia: Is that the question for tonight? "Should he spread his cheeks?"
Adam: Evidently not.
Drew: You know, you and I have both talked to the powers that be.
Adam: Right. Right. Okay.
Drew: Your talking to them didn't get it any faster.
Tia: I'm sorry, was it...
Adam: Oh! Oh! Oooh! Oh, now Drew, don't -- hold on a second, Tia -- don't go down that path. Drew, you wanna go down that path?
Drew: No, did you have more luck than I did?
Adam: Yes! I got on the phone with our agent [Bob Eatman] and made him give us a time when we were gonna move.
Drew: Right. I talked to him too, and so far they're saying, "Well, well..."
Adam: All right. You talked to him because I yelled at you to talk to him.
[Anderson plays the "Whatever" drop.]
Adam: All right. All right, I'm done. Tia!
Tia: Hello.
Adam: Ugh. I can't believe we're here. This place sucks...