Wednesday, December 10, 2003
The
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003Adam goes on a rant about people not knowing stuff, in response to a caller who asked Adam and Drew to sign his copy of Love and Death.
Adam: I just think people are dumber than they've ever been, and I think part of the deal is—and I know it from hanging around this radio station and talkin' on the phone to people—people haven't heard of anything, and are defiant about it! "(Tera) don't call me (Tara)" never heard of one movie, never heard of anything; and she'd always be like, "So what?! I wasn't born!" She was, like... she was... Well, she was angry about...
Drew: Everything.
Adam: She was angry about everything. But the point is, you're supposed to be on the defense 'cause you don't know something. And don't give me that age crap. Like I never heard of Louis Armstrong or something. Do you know what I mean?
Drew: Yeah yeah.
Adam: Yeah. You're supposed to know stuff!
Later in the show, while discussing his off-air relationship with Drew, Adam remembers Pan Pan. Drew reveals that Pan Pan is still a part of his life.
Adam: You know what I was thinkin' about the other day, somebody was talkin' to me about? Remember when your wife gave that crazy Asian guy my cell phone number so he could try to sell me knives? And he called me...
Anderson: Pan Pan.
Adam: Pan Pan. And he called me Sunday morning at nine o'clock? You know, once in a while, you start talkin' about a story that happened—and there's ones you're sorta waxing poetic about, or nostalgic about, or whatever—and then you start tellin' stories and you go, "What the f--- was she thinking?! What was that?!" She gave this guy—who was barely a stranger to her; I mean, she knew the guy a little bit, but not too good. And this guy was the most obnoxious man ever born. And he wanted to sell Drew's wife some knives. So Drew's wife said... and he probably said, "Who else could I sell some knives to?" And she said, "How 'bout Adam Carolla?" And he said, "Fine," and she said, "Here's his cell phone number." Which I now, when I was tellin' this story and getting outraged yesterday at the office, I was thinking, "You know, I bet she went to Drew, and Drew gave her that cell phone number."
Drew: I'm trying to remember if that's exactly what happened.
Adam: Which sounds about right.
Drew: That does sound about right.
Adam: And then, this son-of-a-bitch called me on Sunday morning at, like, nine something, and wanted to get together! And I was, like, "Who is this? I don't know who this is!" "Oh, you don't know me; I just wanna sell you some knives." And then, and then I finally agreed to buy some cleavers off this a-hole, and the guy just turned out to be a sociopath. Was gonna buy some cleavers off him for, like, a hundred and twenty bucks a piece; buy one for me and one for Jimmy. And then he's... he got so bent outta shape about the fact that I wasn't buying the Paul Bunyan set for eight grand, that I finally told him to f--- off, and I wasn't gonna buy his crappy cleavers, and then he went nuts. What an idiot that guy is! Jesus Chirst, what the hell is your wife givin' my cell number for?! Do you realize how crazy out-of-bounds that is? Do you realize how far your wife has spun out into the stratosphere?
Drew: How about the fact that I probably provided the number?
Adam: How about the fact that you gave her my number? You gotta... Drew.
Drew: And not just anybody; a guy who's bringing knives into your house.
Adam: Yeah, okay. Lemme say this. Lemme say this, please.
Drew: He was a high school student at my kids' high school. Goin' off to Brown...
Adam: No.
Drew: Yes. Yes. He's now... now comes back every year and coaches my daughter in volleyball.
Adam: Keep an eye on him, 'cause he's gonna open a knife throwin' act. Your daughter's gonna be on a piece of spinin' plywood while Pan Pan throws steak knives at her.
Drew: Just 'Pan' now.
Adam: Just 'Pan'. Jesus Christ, I'd like to hit him with a frying pan. Guy drivin' me nuts! All right, but anyway, here's my point, Drew. You're wife's a little nutty, fine. That's your thing, you dig it. Fine. That's good. I can see that. Everyone's got there own thing goin' on; that's fine. You though, being the sane one, of the two, have to realize, like, you need, like, a safe word for society. You know what I mean? Like, "Hey, my wife's a little nutty, she doesn't really have boundaries, she likes to sorta steamroll, she does her own thing." Fine! That's your thing, you're attracted to it; and like I said, I can see that. But you're the one who has to slide-in as the voice of reality when she starts wanting to give Pan Pan my cell phone number so he can sell me knives Sunday morning.
Drew: But I don't have good boundaries either, and that's the problem.
Adam: Yeah, yeah. But, no, no. But that's... See, you're the sane one. You're the sane one of the group. That's why you gotta start thinkin'.
Drew: [Mumbling.] I need to have better boundaries. Well, we both need better boundaries. Both...
Adam: Huh?
Drew: [Softly.] Both. Both of us need to have better boundaries. Right?
Adam: Well, I don't...
Drew: I shouldn't talk about it.
Adam: Listen, I don't blame her. Like, with her, it's like—you know—animal escapes from the zoo, you don't blame the animal; you gotta build a bigger fence! [Laughs.] Well, I mean, she does her thing! She does her thing. You know what I'm sayin'?
Drew: No.
Adam: She does her thing, like, like, like, uh... like the animal at the zoo does their thing. They do their thing! You're not gonna stop her from doing her thing!
Drew: You know, it hurts her very much to hear you talk about her like this.
Adam: Well, someone should say somethin'! She should hear this! She does her thing.
Drew: What does that mean?!
Adam: I mean, she's... She's got energy, she's gonna do her thing. I don't... Here's what I'm sayin'.
Drew: You like lap dogs.
Adam: No, no, no. Here's what I'm saying. I don't mean this... I don't wanna launch off into too big an attack. What I'm sayin' is, I appreciate your wife for the kinda person she is. She's fun to hang around with, she's got her good qualities, I can see why you're attracted to her, and I see all that stuff in her. I also see that she's set in her ways, for lack of a better term. Yes, we should all strive to be better; but, I'm not gonna put that kinda pressure on her. I look at her as, "She's her, that's her, she does what she does." We all know people that are this way, by the way. You love 'em; you hang out with 'em; but there's people that just do what they do.
Drew: Right, right. Which is pretty much everybody.
Adam: I'm puttin' your wife into that category.
Drew: All right. But that's my problem, too; 'cause I do what I do, too.
Adam: Yes, you do; but I think you have more potential for lateral movement...
Drew: Okay.
Adam: ...and at least, should have more. I hold you to a slightly higher standard. That's what I'm sayin'.
Drew: Okay.
Adam: And for someone who's been through as much, read as much, and done as much as you, you should have a little light going off in your head when she's asking for my cell number so Pan Pan can sell me a knife knife. Yes?
Drew: Uh, cleaver cleaver.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003Drew reveals that he has two different signatures: one for prescriptions, and another for autographs.
Adam: Now Drew signs... You sign your name, it's nothin'. Right? It's a mark. You're like Zorro.
Drew: When I actually... Yeah... For prescriptions and things...
Adam: Yeah, you're like... but, like, 'Faggo'. But, like Zorro. Right. Like, "The Mark of Faggo".
Drew: Here, I'll do it.
Adam: Go ahead.
Drew: That's not how I sign... I don't sign for the public, though, 'cause I'm afraid that somebody's gonna forge my signature and make a prescription. That's why I don't do that. This is my...
Adam: Ooooooo! Ooooooo! That's your prescription one, that just looks like a monkey got hold of a pen... Yeah, that doesn't mean anything. But, how does Dr. Drew do, like, if I buy a book from you? Ooooooo!
Drew: See? Very different.
Adam: I know. I've seen you sign a thousand times, you a-hole.