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Adam invents the human pilot fish: "Fat people need the equivalent of a pilot fish. You know? Sharks have that pilot fish. It just sorta swims around 'em and sucks stuff off 'em because they're a little too big to get at certain spots. We need one of those for fat people."
Adam observes, "You know, 'Restraining Order' would be a great name for a new fragrance for a woman."
Adam mentions the title of Jack Hole's new crank-calling show for the first time: "Crank Yankers". Here is a press release. Comedy Central has a photo gallery. The show premieres Sunday, June 2nd on Comedy Central.
Adam invents a new hybrid word for the autograph hounds: "goser" (geek + loser). This is in addition to "sploser" (spaz + loser).
Engineer Anderson reveals that he lives in Long Beach.
Adam announces he's going to write a children's book, The Magic Lesbian Whistle:
Adam: Listen, if you ever see a woman with a whistle hanging around her neck, and it's not a rape whistle, she's lesbian. A whistle can only be used to stop rape. If it's used for the tip-off, or half time, or to signal the ball going out-of-bounds -- lesbian. Do you see what I'm saying?
Drew: I'm hearing you.
Adam: Drew, how many women historically have worn the whistle around their neck and not been lesbian?
Drew: I have no idea. I've never done that study.
Adam: I'm even wondering if the whistle makes you lesbian.
Drew: It renders you?
Adam: Yeah, it has magical powers. The Magic Lesbian Whistle. I'm going to write a book. For kids.
Drew: I can see it now. It would be sort of like the magic flute in "H.R. Pufnstuf".
Adam: Right.
Drew: Little Sid and Marty Krofft land.
Adam: Yeah. As this whistle gets passed from coach to coach, they become lesbians.
"H.R. Pufnstuf" was a children's TV show in the late '60s and early '70s. Amazon even has a DVD.
Adam reveals he was a stand-in for the movie Judgment Night, back when he was still teaching boxing and swinging a hammer.
Adam and Drew ask callers to define "veal" and "venison". (This was inspired by a conversation Adam, in Las Vegas, had with a stripper.) The answers included everything from "lamb" to "fish", but the best answer came from Kristin (age 19): "Veal's baby cow. And Venice is in Italy." This caused Drew to spew coffee out his nose. [This call is currently in the sound collection ("Witches, Venice").]
Adam invents the toilet seat tab, which would encourage guys to lift the seat before taking a pee.
The weirdest call of the night name from Joanne (age 35), who wanted to know if she could catch cancer from her boyfriend by "drinking" his semen.
Adam: I like the fact that she used the word "drink".
Drew: That's a good point, yeah.
Adam: You know? As if, after a long hike, she could really pop the cap on some semen.
Drew: "Honey, you want Gatorade?" "No, no!"
Adam: "Naw, I'm taking semen. Aw yeah. Yeah. It's nice when it's chilled." Do a nice commercial. Guy's mountain biking, snowboarding, reaching for semen. Yeah, it's when beer won't do. Lemonade's a little too sweet. Kinda like that Sunny-D commercial.
Drew: Do the spoo.
Adam: Do the spoo!
Engineer Anderson reveals that he went to Westlake High School and Colina Middle School in Thousand Oaks. Of course, in his own words, he and all his friends are jack-off liars, so you never know.