The
Loveline
Companion

Well, I've decided to intrude on Lil Napoleon's business just this once. I've written up a transcript of the Doorway call that happened during Seth Green's recent visit (9/1/03). This is during the time that I clipped out of the show so it probably won't cover all the ground that the other clips have. Anyways, I've learned it's hard to do a faithful transcript since they are always changing their ideas mid sentence and overlapping one another's speech. But I tried as hard as I could and I think I've gotten it to be about 90-95% correct. There were a few parts where I had to guess. Enjoy!

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Adam: Sarah?
Sarah: Hello?
Adam: You're 23?
Sarah: Yeah.
Adam: Your, uh, husband's penis grew...an inch and a half.
Sarah: Yea-hah. Like, um, I mean he was a virgin when I met him.
Adam: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: And...like he didn't have a big old thing or (laughing)anything, but like it was kind of small but it grew like an inch and a half since we've been having sex a lot.
Adam: Mm-hmm.
Seth [Green]: Is he taking anything or using anything.
Sarah: Nooo! Like he, he's never done any kind of drug or anything.
Adam: Mm-hmm. Maybe it's just proud, you know? It's standing- you know, like when people feel, you know, feel a sense of pride, their pos--
Sarah: Like when you exercise?
Adam: Yeah, well, your posture gets better. You don't sit with your shoulders rolled over, you're feeling good about yourself. Your chin's up, you know?
Sarah: Uh-huh.
Adam: Maybe his penis is doing that. Sort of, you know, a virgin its whole existence. Now it's got something to crow about. Drew, shut up back there.
Drew: Oh, now you can hear me?
Adam: I--
Sarah: (laughs)
Adam: Here's the only thing: I can only hear you when you're talking to your engineer. When you're talking on the air we can't hear you.
Seth: (laughs)
Adam: I can only hear- I hear you loud and clear when you're going "My mic's on the fritz! Uh, yea, you can't hear me!"
Sarah: (laughs)
Drew: Alright, I was just asking if she like traded the cow for some magic beans or something, but li- (Drew's mic cuts out for a second) -I, I believe--
Adam: (laughs)
Drew: that...I believe that a man's--
Adam: Go ahead.
Drew: -male's penis can grow dependent on their testosterone levels.
Adam and Sarah: Ah.
Drew: And that things like sexual activity will ch- will change that. And so what she's saying is he was a virgin, he wasn't active. They became active. She noticed something. It's never been documented, but I believe this can be true.
Seth: That's, that's quite a growth though-
Sarah: Okay, um-
Seth: I mean, an inch and a half. Did you actually measure that or is that kind of your estimation?
Sarah: (laughs) No, actually, I-I haven't. But like I just know, like for sure. For a- for a fact, like it did.
Adam: Hm-mm.
Drew: For a fact. A wo- Adam, a woman telling you one inch and one half inch.
Adam: No.
Drew: Know what I'm saying?
Sarah: One and a half inch. For a fact, it grew. (giggles)
Adam: No women, women, have no...they can't... I don't- I-I think my wife estimated my pool at like eight feet once and it's like 45 feet long.
Sarah: (laughs) Ah, funny.
Adam: This is why they can't parallel park.
Drew: Well, give her a test. Give her a test. A-ask her something that you know to be one and a half inch and see, or- something. No..uh, uh, a distance and see if she can... assess it.
Adam: Uh (laughs), okay. Uh, alright alright alright. So we-we should try to...we should try to think of stuff tha - hold on - that I know the size of-
Drew: Right, right.
Adam: and see if she can? Alright, this is never going to work, but I- I'll try this. Alright Sarah.
Sarah: Hello?
Adam: Sarah.
Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.
Adam: Your clitoris.
Drew: (coughs in surprise)
Adam: How long...cause I happen to know. No. How high do you think the doorway is where your door is?
Sarah: I don't know. What do you mean?
Drew: Just, we're judging some distances-
Adam: You see, this-this is why you can't talk to women about-about measurement. The doorway- (laughs)
Drew: How wide is it?
Seth: We're trying- we're trying to discern your ability to judge spatial relations.
Adam: Thank you.
Sarah: Wha- I'm sorry?
Adam: Now here's-
Seth: We're trying to see if you're qualified to measure your boyfriend's penis.
Adam: Yes.
Drew: To judge an inch and a half.
Sarah: But-but what do you mean, like the doorway? Like, I don't get what you're saying.
Adam: Okay, listen to me.
Sarah: Okay.
Seth: We-hey, what kind of car do you drive?
Sarah: Um, I can't drive.
(Uncomfortable second of silence)
Adam: Okay, alright.
Seth: What kind of bike do you have?
Adam: Hold on, hold on a second. Do you understand that everything is a dead end. (Seth and Drew laugh) That every road leads into a brick wall. Here's how it goes: tell me how high your doorway is. How tall is your doorway? The answer to that: 'What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?' Next question, what kind of car do you drive? Answer: 'I can't drive.' She's a 23 year old woman calling from uh, Ontario, Ca- California I'm guessing and, uh, she cannot drive a vehicle. Now-
Sarah: DUI
Adam: I'm...You've had a lot of DUIs. Alright sweetie.
Seth: Wait, no, so wait, is this something that you're concerned-
Sarah: I didn't say I had a lot of DUIs! (laughs)
Seth: Hang-hang on. Is this something that you're concerned about, that's bothering you?
Sarah: I just wanted to know why it happened. That's all.
Drew: Let me again state-
Adam: Testosterone. Quiet down, Drew.
Drew: Testosterone goes up when you're sexually active (Adam moans) and that may have done it.
Adam: Okay, now listen to me Sarah.
Seth: But it's kind of the classic looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Adam: Right.
(Sarah laughs)
Adam: (laughing lightly): Sarah. Sarah.
Sarah: Huh?
Adam: Let me ask you a quick question.
Sarah: Okay, go ahead.
Adam: Just because I enjoy pain. Your-your doorway, that's the thing that your door goes into. Yes?
Sarah: Uh-huh. Okay.
Adam: How high do you think that is off the floor? The inside of your doorway?
Sarah: (laughs loudly) I don't- I don't know!
Adam: It's like Phyllis Diller on the other line. (imitates Sarah's laugh)
Sarah: (in background) Jennifer, Jennifer, come here. Jennifer.
Seth: Liv-Liv Taylor is in there too.
Sarah: Wait wait wait, let Jennifer answer that question. She knows. Here.
Adam: She's not the one who guesstimated her!- Okay.
Jennifer: He-hello?
Adam: Listen, Jennifer?
Jennifer: Uh-huh.
Adam: Give the phone back to the retarded person on your left!
(Drew chuckles)
Jennifer: Okay, one second. (laughs)
Adam: Oh my-
Drew: Oh, sure!
Adam: That's nice what these chicks talk about.
Sarah: Hello (laughs loudly)
Adam: Listen Stonehenge, I want you to tell me how tall that is.
Sarah: I don't understand what you mean though.
Drew: Oh my God.
Seth: How many feet...tall...is the doorway?
Adam: Eh, listen, let me say this too. I don't want, I don't want Engineer Michelle to get pissed off, but women are always outraged all the time that they only get 70 cents for every dollar we get. To me that's way too much! It's way too much! It's- it's, they're grossly overpaid! 70- 70- 70 cents to my dollar is an outrage to me as a male! I-I, women never know what you're talking about. They can't answer simple basic questions. Uh- they're outraged they get 70 percent? I'm outraged that it's over 40 cents to my dollar! I really am! I'm disgusted by it!
Drew: Maybe a Canadian newspaper will complain about you again now Adam.
Adam: Thank you! Sarah?
Sarah: (talking to others in background) It's okay. If he asks you-
Adam: Listen you-
Sarah: I'm listening.
Adam: Listen you witch. Listen to me.
Sarah: Don't call me a witch! Listen. Okay.
Adam: You- you tell me (Seth laughs) how tall you estimate your doorway is...from the floor to the top where the door is.
Sarah's husband's: (in background) From the floor to what?
Sarah: To the top of where the door is? Okay, like, um......my husband is standing here looking at me like, I'm telling them- they're listening to what you're asking me. My best friend is here-
Adam: Just guess, would you screwball?!
(Adam Sandler drop "Just Do It!")
Sarah: We have- we have no freaking idea what the hell- like, I don't understand.
Drew: We'll ask- ask you a different- ask a que-
Adam: How long- uh, I, loo-
Sarah: I don't understand.
Adam: Okay. The floor's where your feet go, right?! (Drew laughs)
Sarah: Okay, the floor.
Adam: That's, that's your feet. That's your feet. Alright.
Sarah: Okay.
Adam: Now, the door is that flat thing that fills the space between the walls and it has hinges and a knob on it! I want to know the distance from the floor to the top of the door. Go...estimate!
Sarah: (laughing so hard she's out of breath)
Drew: It's not-
(drop "T-t-today junior!")
Drew: Why is that funny?
Adam: It's funny because she's stupid and she's stalling for time.
Sarah: I'm sorry?
Adam: Now just give me an estimation on that height.
Sarah: ...um...my-
Drew: Oh my god.
Adam: Oh my god! Is- r-r-really, are you- do you- do you have a brain tumor? Like, are you- are you considered retarded? Because I'm going to start being nice and feel sorry for you in a second.
Sarah: How about you ask my friend and my husband the same question because they both don't understand.
Drew: No, no.
Adam: Now see, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah- here's- here- let me- let's backtrack. Let's go back to the mid 60s when we started this call. (Drew laughs) You told me that- wait a minute. You told me that your husband's penis grew an inch and a half.
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
Adam: Right. I wanted to check your ability to estimate distances and space. Okay.
Drew: Not your husband's and not your friend's. Not your husband, not your friend.
Adam: Not- not- not Jennifer's and not the virgin with the two and a half inch penis. I wanted to know your ability to do that. That's what I want to ascertain, alright?
Sarah: Okay.
Adam: So I've asked you a simple question thirteen times now and you will not answer it. Just tell me the distance from the floor to the top of the door.
Drew: The door that you entered through to get into the room you are in.
Adam: That's right.
Seth: How many- how many feet tall is that?
Drew: How many feet is that door?
Adam: And you're-
Sarah: Ooh, cause I thought you- I thought you were talking about something sexual before.
Adam: Alright.
Sarah: Okay. (Adam laughs) I can answer that question. I would say approximately.......ummm......7 feet.
Adam: Alright.
Drew: Seven feet.
Adam: Alright. It's, uh, 6 foot 8. So you're only four inches off. Now tell your husband he did a nice job writing it down on that scratch paper. Alright, I will see you in estimation hell.
Drew: Alright, alright. So, so- okay.
Adam: Alright, I don't care about your stupid husband anymore. I'm done.
Drew: Well, it's the testosterone levels and stuff-
Adam: Oh, who cares? Bla bla bla bla bla.
Drew: Yeah.
Adam: Oh my god. My god, was she stupid.
(Engineer Michelle laughing in background)
Adam: People- it's, it's, it's really- I talk to a Chia pet, I get more answers.
Drew: Yeah.
Adam: People are so- people are horribly disappointing. Do you- do you f-find that, Seth?
Seth: I'm always confused.
(Drew laughs)
Adam: You're confused by how stupid everyone is?
Seth: I'm- I'm- I'm often confused by the answers that- well she- and she even said, she said that she thought we were talking about something sexual.
Adam: Right.
Seth: And that...that just leads me to believe that she wasn't... necessarily paying attention.
Adam and Drew: Alright.
Adam: Alright. I'm sure she's a delight.
(Anderson plays the 5'12" drop)
Adam: How tall are you?
Caller: I'm like... five twelve...almost six.
(Adam, Drew, and Seth laugh)
Adam: That, that's one of my favorite Loveline answers.
Seth: (laughing) What is that?
Adam: That is a legi- that's considered a legitimate Loveline answer. And most of the people that are listening to the show right now are confused as to why we're laughing at that answer.
Seth: Almost six though.
Adam: He's almost six.
(Seth laughs so hard he's wheezing)
Adam: The doctor says that if he keeps drinking milk and eating cheese that he can get from five twelve to six in the next six months.
Seth: That is- that is impossible. (laughs wheezingly again)
Adam: Bo- uh, yes. Drew?
Drew: Yes?
Adam: Yes. But if you read Drew's book Cracked-
Drew: That's right.
Adam: You will become enlightened as well.
Drew: That's true.
Adam: Alright. Let's talk to, uh, Bobbi who is 25. Bobbi?
Bobbi: Hi.

—Mike

Can someone post the audio here? I missed the show, and sometimes reading something won't give you the same effect as hearing it.

—George C. Cunt

Hey there George C.C. there is audio posted on an earlier thread...it's in the

"Why are Smoke Detector calls the best?" entry.

I replied to that by saying that I thought the "Doorway" call was hilarious.

I thought Sarah's had a boyfriend not husband though. I forgot she put a girlfriend

of hers on the phone.

Anyway, I asked if someone would post the call on the Forum. Two people did..one in audio

and one in print. Thanks a bunch.

It is a funny spot..you will definitely laugh.

Like I said in the other thread, I hope they include that call in their next "Best of..."

group.

—Angel

Height of Doorway

—The Link Fairy

Thank you for transcribing that, Mike. Hopefully more people will join in, so we can preserve more Loveline wisdom in print for the ages. :D

—Lil Napoleon

Epic call. Listening to it again now. Thread bump?

—Kevin-U-in-Seclusion

missing sexy mike :(

—Kevin-U-in-Seclusion

i facebook friended him.

—plurry