The
Loveline
Companion

Ya'll know I have depression and I have very low energy...I'm not sure if it's a good idea to have kids. But I still kind of want them.

Some days I decide I'm totally fine being childless. (Especially if I'm at the market and I see a toddler throwing a tantrum and the other kid yelling in the shopping cart.)

But then, somedays I will rethink it. Like one day I saw an old picture of my brother and my dad (my brother was ADORABLE when he was little) and I just start crying really hard because I thought...Goddamn! I want that. I want a little boy or girl to love and adore.

If my energy would improve I can envision myself having a kid one day. But the energy, just isn't there. I'm trying to improve my diet. I'm not fat, but my eating habits are horrible. I guess that could have something to do with the energy.

The worst thing is...I don't know what the fuck to do about dating. I haven't been on a date since Writing Class guy. (Oops...slept with him. Didn't mean to.) What do I tell the guy when he asks about kids? Do I say no? Do I say maybe? Are guys going to be turned off when I say maybe?

My mom actually told me that she thinks I shouldn't have kids. She says I am wonderful, kind and awesome when it comes to little kids. But she says I have trouble taking care of myself and she doesn't know if I will ever be able to handle the responsibility that comes with being a parent. My mom has my two brothers, so she'll get some grandkids from them.

I feel like I shouldn't be dating until I figure this out. On my dating profiles I keep changing it. Maybe to No, No to Maybe, on and on and on....

Fuck. >:-(

—acm

Why is dating so hard? It shouldn't be hard at all. You have your own place, you work at a cool place, you are experienced, you're a grown sexy woman who knows what she wants. Dating should be easier as you age. You have more stories to share. Look at me I live with my mom, was a virgin a week ago, don't have any experience at all. I have to lie to men when they ask me about my past. I somehow still managed to meet a guy, go to his party and get laid within 2 months and i didn't even pursue him. In fact at first i was a bitch to him. You jusy have to find an outgoing man who is down. If it doesn't turn into a serious relationship, oh well at least you met someone knew, right?? Now as fat as kids. I don't think all women who created to reproduce. In fact I have a feeling you might have a hard time getting pregnant since you're so depressed. I would look into that. Keep your head up and smile!!!!!

—L_to_the_A is back!

Thanks, Leens. :-)

—acm

al, you are assuming that you'll always feel depressed and lack energy. maybe it's just a matter of finding the right medz. maybe your depression and energy level will improve when you find love (as i have seen happen with several people i know).

leenie, the reason acm has a harder time finding someone than you do is because she is looking for lasting love and you were only looking for sex. the screening process is much more stringent when you are looking for a permanent relationship. acm could get laid very easily if that's what she was looking to do.

—pookie

acm is teh noo drayk

—Dusty TheHick

"Dating should be easier as you age."

bwahahah!

—he sounds like a delight

For real. When you're young (early 20's) you are just figuring life out. Don't have any cool stories or experiences to share. Most 20 year olds are broke so they can't even go somewhere fancy for a date. When you get older you have more life lessons/experiences to share. You're independent, already found a career, can talk about your accomplishments..etc.

—L_to_the_A is back!

Don't have kids until you're 30. It's better for them, and for you.

—SlowAndGoOnThe405

and don't trust anyone over 30

—Margin Walker

his typo made me lol
"Now as fat as kids."

—000

You're way overthinking things again acm. Worry about actually meeting a guy and keeping a decent relationship going. And you don't have to have your own kids to "love and adore" a child. There's plenty of kids already here that need that. I don't get the idea of brining another life into the world because you want to love a kid. Issues.

—stellagold

Just don't lie to guys cumming inside of you and you'll be fine.

—ZT-In

^Definite words of wisdom.

—acm

acm is teh noo drayk

right?

—mandee

acm is not the new drayk.

Al, I would never try to talk anyone INTO having kids. OUT OF, maybe, but not into. But I do want to say that having kids can change a person's life in ways that aren't only negative. Especially if you want kids but sometimes even if you thought you didn't. Being a parent is frustrating as hell but I think sometimes it can save your life or make you a better person. You don't know what you're capable of until you're in the position of parenthood. I have amazing kids and people tell me alllllll the time, "I don't know HOW you do it!" Yanno what? *I* don't know how I do it either, but when I see how compassionate, driven and successful my kids are, I know I MUST be doing something right.

—catloaf

also:

—catloaf

I DONT WANNA HAVE KIDS CUZ I'M VERY VERY AFRAID THEY WONT BE IMPRESSED WITH MY SAT SCORES SINCE THE SCORING CHANGED

—mandee

having kids is a selfish act

—Margin Walker

Having kids is sort of like giving up your life. If you had a kid right now you wouldn't be able to just move anywhere. Think about changing schools, leaving their friends, and you can't just live with anyone you met on craigslist when you have a kid.

—L_to_the_A is back!

Having kids is sort of like giving up your life.

that's not necessarily a bad thing

—catloaf

Al, I would never try to talk anyone INTO having kids. OUT OF, maybe, but not into. But I do want to say that having kids can change a person's life in ways that aren't only negative. Especially if you want kids but sometimes even if you thought you didn't. Being a parent is frustrating as hell but I think sometimes it can save your life or make you a better person. You don't know what you're capable of until you're in the position of parenthood. I have amazing kids and people tell me alllllll the time, "I don't know HOW you do it!" Yanno what? *I* don't know how I do it either, but when I see how compassionate, driven and successful my kids are, I know I MUST be doing something right.

—catloaf

(((HUGS)))

I really do need to relax. There's nothing wrong with telling a guy that I am open to having kids, if my life is relatively stable and I have the money and the means to take care of them. As long as the dude isn't making demands of my womb, it's all good. I also don't need to go into my complete medical history on the first date. I'm sure that said guy will have a couple skeletons in his closet too.

—acm

Speaking of kids. How long after sex do pregnancy symptoms occur? it's been exactly one week after sex. I feel nothing, except for light spotting from my poor ruptured hymen. I'm a little emotional about finding out he's moving.

—L_to_the_A is back!

Having kids is important if you care about ur social status in ur 30s. Do u want all ur breeder friends to think ur a freak?

Btw acm I ordered that book and it came a few days ago. Going to start it tomorrow on my first day off in a long time. I didn't realize it would be such a long book though. Have you read the whole thing yet?

—stellagold

Having kids is important if you care about ur social status in ur 30s. Do u want all ur breeder friends to think ur a freak?

I beg to differ. I want to have an Oprah status or even Simone Bienne. She's 31 married twice with no kids. I think it's freaky that successful, fertile, married couples choose not to have any kids at all. You might as well call your husband/wife a roommate. Is there really a point of getting married if you do not plan to start a family?

—L_to_the_A is back!

Btw acm I ordered that book and it came a few days ago. Going to start it tomorrow on my first day off in a long time. I didn't realize it would be such a long book though. Have you read the whole thing yet?

—stellagold

I think acm should read "Women Who Love Too Much" By Robin Norwood. or maybe I should??

—L_to_the_A is back!

i know many couples where the husband works and the wife is a stay-at-home mom. if acm snagged one of those kinds of guys, the energy she would normally spend working outside the home could be spent wiff a bebe.

—pookie

I could see myself having a baby OR adopting a baby around 40 with said hubby. By then I should have a couple books published and we could have ourselves a modest home somewhere with a couple golden retrievers. I wouldn't have to live in California either. California is fucking expensive and I'm sick of it. The only thing I would miss about California is my family. I could live in another state.

I get easily attatched to attractive men who pay attention to me and then leave or ignore me. I'm rarely attracted to men who pursue me. I like to pursue. The good thing about my ex is that I can look back and see all the times he treated me so fucking casually like I meant nothing to him and I've learned from all that. As soon as a guy starts treating me like that, I'm out of there!

STELLA!!! I'm so glad you bought the book. I'm going to make ZT read it and then we can all discuss it here.

I'm on page 497. The book isn't for dummies. It's pretty dense. I know you can handle it. The most confusing thing (don't worry I'm not spoiling anything) for me was the character of Zampano. I read a couple reviews and I was able to figure out his role a lot better. I still don't know the exact ending of course. I have about 200 pages left.

I am fast developing a crush on this fucking guy. Here's the author's website. He's 47 and very private. I don't think he's married.

—acm

Once again I can't follow ur train of thought Lena. First you beg to differ then you say it's freaky.

Have u thot about seeing a counselor to help with ur anxiety it might help if you can find someone u trust IRL to talk to about this stuff. I get the sense you don't trust anyone you know enough to be honest.

—stellagold

yes please don't give any spoilers at all, but please answer this: is it really scary?

—stellagold

It's really creepy and...yeah, I would say it's scary.

—acm

my married friends, my friends with kids, my parents... all think i need to grow up

fuck 'em

—he sounds like a delight

^ what does that even mean when you tell someone to grow up? i think being grown up is being independent (financially supporting yourself) and being able to make sound decisions.

there are plenty of people who are not grown up who are married and/or have babies, so i don't consider that an indicator.

—pookie

well, not in those words. but the hints are there. and i don't understand the motivation, it doesn't phase me though

—he sounds like a delight

there are plenty of people who are not grown up who are married and/or have babies, so i don't consider that an indicator.

very true. at least if you arent grown up when youre single without kids you aren't directly hurting anyone but yourself most likely.

—stellagold

oops, i meant to say i DO understand the motivation

—he sounds like a delight

ZOMG YOU GIZE I HAVE THE HOUSE ALLLLL TO MYSELF MARK THE FREAKIN' CALENDAR WHAT SHOULD I DO FIRST?!

—catloaf

cartwheels

—stellagold

acm - when you talk like that, you remind me waaay to much of Jean Teasdale.

• http://www.theonion.com/articles/a-new-year-a-new-jean,16486/

—ZT-In

FUCK YOU, ZEET!

yeah, okay...

—acm

"When you get older you have more life lessons/experiences to share."

true. and dating SHOULD be easier. it does get easier for a lot of people. it definitely get less heart wrenching. less world-crashing-down feeling but, some people out there, they just can't make life easier for themselves.

—he sounds like a delight

I find that it gets harder. For me, each rejection makes it even harder to put myself out there...especially with the passive aggressive ways women reject you.

—Mayonnaise

for me, rejection has definitely gotten easier. it's finally sunken in for me that there's always going to be another chance with someone else on another day.

—he sounds like a delight

how do you meet ladies mayo? do you have a lot of friends? do you do activites? tell us errthang

—mandee

anytime someone generalizes the bad experiences they've had with a few to all women/men/people you know something else is going on. i've been broken up with in some horrible ways but it never occurred to me that it had anything to do with men as a whole.

—stellagold

^what stella said.

—catloaf

YOU'RE a whole.

—Dusty TheHick

look out! dusty's on a roll!

—pookie

YOU'RE on a roll.

—Dusty TheHick

<3

—pookie

I want a roll.

—Kevin-U-in-Depression

YOU'RE a roll.

—Dusty TheHick