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First my old profile filled up. Now, as dark ancient prophecies hath foretold, this one has befallen the same fate. Check out my latest one for up-to-date quotes.
10 most recent quotes as of 2/19/09 [holy shit almost the same date on my last profile] (newest to oldest):
reading is for virgins.
—mandee
[re: rape bath]
RAPE JACUZZI EVERYBODY!
—plurry
loafie, tell the poor little tooth-eating fella that when he craps out the tooth, it'll be like getting bitten in the ass. that should make him feel better.
—pookie
i can't take losing both dr. drew live and tacs. looks like i'll be listeniing to strykerline for the time being. :(
adam's return to loveline would be awesome, but i would be shocked if that happened.
potentially, the most awesome thing to come of this will be the end of the TACS forum.
—plurry
rampaging primate would be an awesome band name
—catloaf
OMG I JUST DID SOMETHING SO FUNNY
i said i wasn't going to be aniston's FRIEND. get it? like the show. the show called friends. i made a hysterical reference without even trying.
—mandee
The smell [of natal delivery] is eerily similar to Taco Bell at closing time. If there was a scene from an Indiana Jones movie being shot there just prior to closing time and Indiana Jones was a sweaty old wino drenched in urine and fecal matter and if Indy's bullwhip were played by an umbilical cord. Yeah, just like that.
—catloaf
or you could ask me because i like sneaking into hospital rooms and watch women give birth. i like it when they cry.
—mandee
THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM MAKES ME HARD.
—plurry
o i c. r u da musiuh? imma worship u.
—mandee
Full list of quotes, oldest (2/19/08) to newest:
it's true that beat it is basically mikeyfish lite. I used to have a hard time telling them apart until i had sex with one of them.
—TortillaFactory
jezebel will eat anything. Anything.
—greymatters
I get fucked in the ass by cops weekly, it's really amazing.
-Anfernee
Damn, I just spilled some jenkem runoff on my modestly sized balls.
—Jaffa Cakes
THE POSTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
—TortillaFactory
I keep picturing myself walking into a Best Buy, buying an Xbox 360 and an axe, then walking outside and ax-murdering the 360. Basically the same thing as a 430 dollar ticket.
It's due one day after Brawl comes out too...
—anfernee
Ugh. Anfernee, just pay the whole goddamn ticket and commit suicide when you can't afford that video game you want. Please give us a shoutout in your suicide note.
—greymatters
..and i can't believe you've resorted to name calling. i'm just stunned.
i'm above that, and refuse to stoop to your filthy cock-gobbling, goat-fucking level.
—plurry
ihu
—anfernee
[Lunar Eclipse deluxe edition] —plurry this won't happen again until 2010. the babies can wait a few hours. —plurry It was weird, sky filled with clouds when the eclipse started, but cleared up 100% just as it started to turn red. I think it's a sign. The orb is telling me to kill. —miyagi-sama
OMG MARS IS COMING RIGHT FOR US! FIRE!
if we lose a few, i'll just trust darwin was taking care of business.
I like it when they fight. I'm like the Emperor watching Luke and Vader go at it.
—bguirk
I know plenty of white girls who are coo-coo for co-co cocks
—ZT Spice
"Speak softly and carry a big stick."
Ooh, Teddy! I like men with big sticks!
—acm323
TELL HER I SAID HI, NO TELL HER I SAID HEY, BUT TELL HER I SAID IT CASUALLY, SO SHE DOESN'T THINK I'M BEING TOO PUSHY WITH MY GREETING.
—mandee
you shouldn't care about changing (or correcting people on) your name.
unless your name is, like, john cocklover or something.
—airking32
[Before I die I'd like to] Kick Stryker in the throat.
—whoisnumbaone
mmmmm...Simpsons references...arghghhghgrrgh...(drool)
—Beat It!
Oh, I see the problem now. You think, therefore you fail.
—Beat It!
I ate a pinecone, but it turned out to be a dick.
—TortillaFactory
Actually, idiots could be valuable in cancer research also. Afterall, the assholes need somebody to test the drugs on, and the Jews won't play along anymore.
—Mayonnaise
Well, then. Go the opposite way, across the Atlantic Ocean, and by the time you get here it will be about noon or so, perfect photoshopping time!
—anfernee
Also, I like whale meat. As in, slicing the breasts off of fat women.
—MajandraFan
Think... have you ever choked on the cocks you've chewed up? I never have. Damn, cocks are rubbery. It's so hard to chew them. That's why I like to boil them for days in a crock pot.
—MajandraFan
I'm actually a 56 year old man lurking the forum for abused teens to abuse further, so I was elated to see how fucked up everybody is.
—miyagi-sama
I was a little nervous when I first started posting, but I'm not an idiot so no one attacked me.
—chix0r
^attn: yog
—plurry
Dusty, what you do with your anus and baseballs is between you and God.
—greymatters
if I'm blind I need someone to tell me if the girl is uggo or not. the smell is the last thing on my mind. the first thing is "fuck, I'm blind, this sucks."
—bguirk
martin luther was all i'm so funny, everyone needs to see big momma's house 2 and we were all like naw man you're exiled.
—mandee
hi, my name is wafflecrapper vadgenpooper.
—plurry
ugh, drake's posting, time for bed!
—anfernee
You can't think of it as Drake has cancer. It's more that cancer has Drake. The cancer is the true victim and the only hope is that medical science comes up with a cure that will allow the cancer to live a happy Drake-free life.
—Beat It!
I think I'm going listen with one headphone tuned to TACS and one to Loveline and pretend it's the same show. It will be Adam ranting while Drew soldiers on and tries to help callers, almost like the real thing.
—Beat It!
only when the meal is on the house do i tip exactly 20% of my cost
—000
I like to use tampons, because once I've inserted it into my vadge, if I stand, in just the right position, and naked, and then vajart, I can shoot the tampon out at a foe.
—Dusty TheHick
I can't believe you got AIDS. Aren't you a Republican?
—Jaffa Cakes
ti;ts
—derekho
Gary "Stryker" Sandorf: 1978-2008
His tail was long, but his life was short...though not short enough for Loveline fans.
How's that for a fantasy [obituary]?
—Mayonnaise
nothing says "i love you" like sharing your coke.
—plurry
IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
I WOULD MAKE JOEL MCHALE THE HOST OF LOVELINE
—ZT Spice
it's like an incurable personality disorder. cluster F as adam would call it.
—plurry
I once saw a clip of a girl eating out a guy's asshole. About thirty seconds into it, he purposely farts in her mouth. She calls him a fucking asshole and walks out. I can't say I feel sorry for her. Anyone stupid enough to eat out someone's cornhole deserves whatever they get.
—acm323
I had a sheltered upbringing and I know this. Why do I know this? I feel like such a pervert compared to all these dirty old men who don't even know what a2m means.
—TortillaFactory
If you're ever wondering where a TLC member is from, by default you should think Northwest. At least 90% of TLC'ers are/were from Washington, and that's with a 10% margin of error.
—Jaffa Cakes
Dear Chicago Putz,
The sun kisses the morning skies
The birds kiss the butterflies
The dew kisses the morning grass
But you, my friend, may kiss my ass.
Sincerely,
TLC
—Dusty TheHick
one person here says full meat can go fuck himself, no other members chime in, and it gets the unofficial TACS forum's panties in a twist? Poor babies. You have bigger things to worry about like TACS getting canceled (despite the ratings jump).
—bguirk
Although to be fair, if you're the kind of guy asking for nudes of a girl online, you're not going to have much luck IRL.
Whoa, huge slam on me out of nowhere!
—Jaffa Cakes
Blending some labias and clitori with a little cayenne pepper and ranch sauce makes an excellent and nutritious dipping sauce for pizza crusts.
—ZT Spice
You're just mad that I came up with it first. Patent office hear I come. Johnny Boob Photo Composite Construction Kit will be in stores by Christmas. Ages 8 and up.
—bguirk
other people can tell us what they experience. They could be lying, but it's more than a dog staring at you with that dog stare that they do where they just stare right through you but you think they're staring at you because they caught you masturbating to pictures of Karen Black I've said too much.
—Jaffa Cakes
Bleeding on people is fucking sweet. I only wish I had a cunt to bleed out of.
—MajandraFan
BRB: GETTING AN ABORTION
—stefanie
Can you come up with a defense [for spanking] that doesn't involve the tired "what if they're running into the street?" And why the hell are your theoretical kids trying to get away so badly? I guess they're too young to realize you can't outrun genetics.
—Beat It!
im gay for this place <3 TLC!
—whoisnumbaone
[A quote from ages past!]
was mowing my lawn tonight with my push mower and a kid walked up to me and said "wouldn't it be easier with a lawn mower?" I replied "this is a lawn mower." The kid said "no--I mean a real lawnmower that makes smoke and noise." So I punched him in his smart mouth. Fucking kids.
—bguirk
according to revisionist history, everyone was gay.
—TortillaFactory
whois, become whowas.
—plurry
I'd definitely mourn [my cat Harry] more than, say, Heath Ledger. that fag deserved to die after Brokeback Fag Mountain.
—TortillaFactory
i actually had a dream earlier tonight that i eliminated [drake].
i dreamt i trapped his "life force" into an ipod, and then threw it against a brick wall shattering it to bits.
i was sad for the ipod. what a waste.
—plurry
sorry I didn't post earlier--I've been banging 16 year olds all day.
—bguirk
The other day Mike was playing GTA and said it was "ironic" that he shot the gun shop owner. I told him it would actually be ironic if he had bludgeoned the gun shop owner to death, so he went and bludgeoned him. It was a real bonding moment.
—TortillaFactory
one night i got train raped during a thunderstorm. it was gross.
—MajandraFan
I can't believe [Dancing With The Stars] is a hit show with anyone other than gays, shut-ins and the elderly (and it tests through the roof for gay elderly shut-ins).
—Beat It!
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
—Dusty TheHick
Anyway, if MLK fucked a few skanks in his day, I don't really care. I'm pretty sure he judged those skanks on their character and not on the color of their skin...
—acm323
its odd though, the thought of kissing a guy is absolutely disgusting to me, but taking it up the ass from a guy is something i would try.
—foob2011
How can I not love lyrics like "dream on. dream on. dream until your dreams come true." Fuck you, that's how.
—bguirk
Raping a hooker = shoplifting.
—Dusty TheHick
I will take texting out of people's fingers, just like that atheist who took the word "God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
—adams_babymomma
I fuck with 2 rubbers. because i like it to be joyless and without pleasure. the way it was meant to be.
—whoisnumbaone
I don't think chicks send pictures of their tits to guys they don't want to fuck. If they did I'd have an inbox full of boobs.
—bguirk
Don't worry, I won't let [that compliment] go to my titless androgynous lesbian head.
—TortillaFactory
The purpose of [the Catholic Students Association] is to provide fellowship and to build a faith community in an academic environment. Members will be discouraged from using condoms and birth control, and will eventually suffer from STD's and also produce unwanted children while in the process of their academic experience.
—adams_babymomma
I would NEVER get up to use the bathroom during class time, so I just pee in my pants.
—adams_babymomma
I snack on a lot of nuts
—bguirk
if areola-less, blotchy, chunky girls are your thang, she is quite a catch.
—Beat It!
I know people in big science. they'll fuck you up.
—bguirk
Nazi gold funded website Photobucket has deleted all of my nude pictures. Motherfuckers.
—Patrick Stewart's Mustache
"Tonight on Larry King Live, we'll be killing time until another celebrity murders someone."
—Patrick Stewart's Mustache
When I die, I'd like Laith to dismember my body in an ancient ritual, and then bury the parts in 12 locations around the world. If they're ever brought together, I will rise and terrorize those who wronged me.
Or be cremated. Whatever.
—Tyler Perry's Why Am I Reading This Post?
This is why it's so funny when Wazu acts all high and mighty. Congratulations, your entire football team takes steroids, can any of them pass remedial English?
—TortillaFactory
Since when is one man wanting to look at another man's pulsing, rock-hard cock considered "gay"?
—Tyler Perry's Why Am I Reading This Post?
you're a fag for not liking [American Idol], faggot. do you think you're alternative or something? go suck some more cock and sing 'an english teacher'.
—mandee
if hitler were to say sarcastically oh no i've run out of ketchup, i blame the jews, we'd be like uh fuck you adolf.
—mandee
Drake gained 0 exp. points.
—TortillaFactory
[Another past quote]
Some people are so retarded it's impossible to make them feel unwanted. You could shoot them in the gut, and they'd think you were just being playful. Stryker is so goddamned dumb, nothing you could do to him would stop him from being the useless, beach boy wannabe, SoCal surfer cream licking douche nozzle that he is.
—gouranga3221
TPWSTTIAJHF.
—ZT Spice
Don't you bring that Big Science propaganda in here. Next you'll try to tell me I evolved from a monkey. You fucker.
—Tyler Perry's Why Am I Reading This Post?
A doctor told me to never put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow.
Good advice.
Then he fucked me unconscious.
—MajandraFan
I always wanted to have sex with a penguin too.
—catloaf
i got more into church once i could get mad wood because the priest was really cute; he gave me a rhc (rock hard cock) morning, noon and night.
—MajandraFan
we want video [of lexie's "porm"]. make p0rmo!
—plurry
i like to dress up as the cookie monster and fuck aborted fetuses in medical waste dumps.
pigeonhole me, will ya?!?!?!?!
—plurry
[re: not stinking up bathrooms for female coworkers]
I'd be afraid of an oral bowel movement mid sentence all over their boobs. I'm sure that's considered porn in Germany, but it would probably get me fired over here.
—bguirk
yeah i prefer to get it all mushy and rub it around in the bag, it feels good. mmmmmm yeah soft dog shit mmmmm
—foob2011
My experiences with black women were fantastic.
Though for the record, I did go black and still proceed to go back.
—Beat It!
suck my dick.
—stefanie
Mayonnaise = (greymatters + mikeyfish)/jenkem
—ZT Spice
I hate to break it to you, but 'open-minded' isn't what people mean when they call you an 'airhead.'
—Beat It!
What do you expect? It's Drake, every time he opens his mouth, he releases dumb. He's like a big acne covered ball of dumb....and oh yeah cancer.
—anfernee
What's the deal with the alphabet? All those letters and shit.
—Dusty TheHick
how dare he use the forum as it's intended to be used. off with his head!
—bguirk
I apologize if the few posts I made here regarding this have inconvenienced you. I will try to make future posts which are more poo/pee oriented.
—pantysweeper
happy birthday lexie. now that you're 18 let's move on from statutory rape to regular rape.
—stefanie
mayonnaise is the universal bonding agent
—catloaf
CALL THE CANDIDATE YOU DON'T LIKE A FAGGOT AND WATCH PEOPLE GET OUTRAGED ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET. IT EVEN WORKS WITH HILLARY.
HILLARY CLINTON IS A FAGGOT.
—ZT Spice
Penis tastes like absolutely nothing. Rubber tastes like rubber.
—chix0r
chix0r is methodical and thorough. she'd make an awesome serial killer. she and laith should totally do it. and by "do it" i mean "go on a cross country killing spree."
—catloaf
I'm gonna get [bguirk] all juiced up in DC and do weird things to him. He'll need YEARS of therapy. And maybe an operation.
—catloaf
right after he starts shouting "Holocaust" that's when I thought of Hitler riding his bike with no handlebars.
—adams_babymomma
We're equal opportunity offenders here, you narrow-minded kraut.
—Beat It!
I've thought a lot about how awesome it would be if we could all get together... Then I thought about how awesome it would be if I had a stunt double.
—catloaf
I'm black and I live in America. I'm perpetually offended by almost everything around me and this forum is no exception.
—he sounds like a delight
you know who else uses big words? jimmy carter. i get so wet when i hear a man correctly use the word "phalanx."
—catloaf
well you no we always be using hour best grammer up in hear and shit
—catloaf
I want him freaking about her clinginess until he hallucinates that her mouth is a vagina dentata and runs out of work screaming.
—doingdoingdoing
please don't speak about [jjgold] in the past tense. It makes me sad. Just like Jesus, he will return.
—bguirk
so you finally were able to get a computer from Wal-Mart on lay-away or did you have another kid and trade in the extra food stamps? Did they add wifi to section 8 housing?
—bguirk
Rincon, don't listen to Drake. If the Loveline Companion was a car, he'd be a cum-stained baby crying in the back seat.
—ZT Spice
I'm afraid that since you complimented Stryker, I have no choice but to ask the powers that be to make sure your penis never straightens out. In fact, we may bend it a little more.
—Mayonnaise
you know.. we could use these maps [of sex offenders' homes] to carpet bomb bad areas of our own country.
—plurry
terrible story, one time i was jerking the turkey [i just made that up wooo] and i was about to..yeah, and i didn't want to make a mess so i grabbed an empty cup i had been drinking soda out of and let it go in there. then later i was doing something on the internet and i instinctively picked up the cup and drank from it, oh mah gahhhhh, terrible surprise.
—anfernee
omg guys...I just went into the kitchen, cause i'm hungry, and there was an invitation to a bot mitzvah on the refrid geareater.
what should I do? burn it?
—anfernee
PERSIAN CHICKS ARE FREAKS - IT'S LIKE CENTURIES OF OPPRESSION CREAMING ALL OVER YOUR PENIS.
—ZT Spice
my dick. it's sweet but awkward.
-stefanie
GET THE FUCK OUT OUT! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!! WAIT, WAIT ARE YOU SAYING THAT THERE IS CAUSE AND EFFECT IN THIS SORT OF THING? THAT POSSIBLY BEING RAISED BY CRAPPY PARENTS LEADS PEOPLE TO ACT OUT IN WAYS THAT PERPETUATE THE CYCLE?! I AM ON THE FLOOR IN UTTER AMAZEMENT!!
—Beat It!
GOD I HATE WOMEN! I WANT TO FUCK THEM ALL THE TIME.
—stefanie
Why should I believe in god? Why don't you believe in Cthulhu? I say Cthulhu is very real and if you don't believe, you will pay in the end. He will rise and destroy the earth.
—derekho
i hate condoms. i hate the way they smell and feel like i'm having sex with like a seal wrapped dildo or something.
—stefanie
On the upside, if you win the game, you get your own planet that you can rule over as a God. Doesn't that sound cool everybody? If you're interested, send me some money and I can explain more about how to get there.
—anobody
"I'm Federal Messiah Jesus Christ, and today is the longest day of my life."
—Rufus T. Firefly
So I was at this mens bathroom at 2 am the other night outside the park, with my dick out, yknow, because I was going to pee. Then this fag comes up to me, and starts blowing me! I wanted him to stop, but I was afraid he'd bite it off or something, so I just let him finish and gave him the money I'd put down on the sink. What a faggot.
—coffeecakes
I just put my snake around my dick because I thought his skin would feel nice, but now it's squeezing so fucking hard and it won't get off. What the fuck do I do? My junk is turning blue here. I've tried throwing a dead mouse across the room, hoping it would chase it, but he just squeezed tighter. I'm not calling the police. I don't want some fucking faggot police officer getting his hands around the family jewels. I'm losing feeling around the tip. I need your advice, guys.
—coffeecakes
5 blowjobs in one day? really really really really? really really? omg is her mouth in permanent dick sucking shape?
—stefanie
you're so vain, you probably think this post is about you.
—doingdoingdoing
My boyfriend wants to do [anal sex] "just once, just to try it." I won't let him, though. He asked me today what I would do if he "just slipped it in." I told him I'd poop on him. That seemed to turn him off the idea pretty quickly.
—chix0r
Trannies are fucking sick. This tranny started dancing against me at a club once, grinding into me. A couple hours later I asked the fucking fag to stop it. Jesus, why are these homos always touching on me?
—coffeecakes
strieker you're already a woman. you can't support your family and your smaller than an azn chick.
—doingdoingdoing
That's odd because just the other day, I was Googling for Photoshopped pics of tight-assed pedanting faggots.
—anobody
Lena, the only way to forget it is to post a sex tape of me and you on youporn/pornotube. Don't worry, this American will be gentle as I invade your fertile Iraqi crescent.
—ZT Spice
[An old but recently-posted ZT classic that I would be remiss to not include]
YOUR MOUTH IS THE MOVIE, MY COCK IS THE STAR.
—ZT Spice
if one gets tired of their lena, they can ship her back to the factory, and we'll either re-assign or destroy that copy depending on her condition.
—plurry
jenkem, it's "feel good inc.", MOFTW, TTSHGT, huge slam on blah, blah, blah out of nowhere, i'm dusty thehick, kill it with fire, etc.
—plurry
you know i'm a lover of the blacks, but since they've been freed, they've done barely anything. we'll have to get out our whips again. maybe metaphorical ones this time though.
—mandee
Agnostics are just a subset of atheists with tiny little balls.
—ZT Spice
THIS SATURDAY - JUST TEN BUX - SALT LAKE SPORTS COMPLEX - JUST 10 BUX - MUD WRESTLING AT ITS BEST - WATCH ACM AND STRIKER WRESTLE TO THE DEATH IN MUDDY SLOP - FOR ONLY TEN BUX!
BE THERE!
—plurry
Funny you ask that, cuz by mere appearance you would think Drew [would smell better than Adam], but Drew had man funk. He left it on my left shoulder, and I think the smell is still persistant on my sweater.....
—Master_Debator
i love kfc biscuits as well. can i tell you something so devastating, chix0r? the KFCs in england don't have biscuits. i almost started throwing bricks through the window.
—mandee
i was hooked on [black tar heroin] for awhile, then moved on to jenkem.
now my dr. has me on jenkedone.
—plurry
You're right. I can't show you my browser because it's wallpapered in gay porn.
—miyagi-sama
If I'm not selected as the flower girl for the Tortilla/Fish wedding, I am going to throw a bitch fit like no other.
—anfernee
Why are Lena and whois fighting like people who hooked up and now hate each other?
—MajandraFan
[choosing between britney spears, miley cyrus, and hilary duff is] like choosing between wet farts, heavy diarrhea and constipation.
—plurry
wow! a politician fucking around? no way. this never happens, especially if they're religious.
—plurry
This song is gayer than Elton John eating out Clay Aiken's asshole.
—acm323
whois and i would both fuck paul giamati in a second. he's so cute, right whois?
—mandee
HEY-HEY, GENTS. GIVE IT UP FOR STEFANIE! AIN'T SHE A GEORGIA PEACH?!?! SHE HAILS FROM HART COUNTY, BUT CAN TAKE YOU FROM HANCOCK TO CUMMING IN MINUTES! YEAH-HEH-HEH!!! ROXY STAGE 4. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BUSINESSMAN'S LUNCH...
—plurry
Exactly. I'm ready to drop some bombs on Salt Lake. Please start with that God-forsaken airport where all the shops close at 6:00 PM and I can't get a beer when I'm on layover to save my life. Get on it Laith.
—bguirk
ONE TIME I TRIED TO USE TWO BOXES OF WINE AND SOME SPILLED OUT AND SOME BIRDS TRIED TO DRINK IT AND I WAS LIKE OH NO YOU DI'INT THATS MY WINE AND HE WAS LIKE THE EARLY BIRD CATCHES THE WINE SO I PUNCHED IT IN THE FACE.
—mandee
my perspective [on mormons] is: ok, you want my time? i'll give you my time, but on my terms. i didn't approach you, you approached me, and that was your mistake. you are a virgin, dork on a bike trying to peddle your book of fairy tales. i'm a guy with a job, and enough brain cells to rub together to tell you with conviction that you're subscribing to a holy fucking mirage. i don't need a book written by a known criminal to tell me what's right, what's wrong, or what morals are.
—plurry
i'd really like for [Dr. Drew] to be on sesame street and do one of those 'people in your neighborhood' segments.
ooooohhh, a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist's a person in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neigh-bor-hood
—catloaf
The bottom line is that you are a bumbling idiot. After reading your posts, I doubt your ability to tie your shoe laces.
—Round Eye
i run a v-card removal company. cervix with a smile.
—plurry
omg, i just had a brilliant idea! we need to get a few other forum members knocked up and then chix0r and laith can open up a tlc daycare!
—catloaf
THE GAY INDIAN USED EVERY PART OF MY BUTTHOLE.
—ZT-In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
Daytime TV is definitely not aimed at men--it's assumed we're out working. No wonder legion feels so threatened by women.
—bguirk
Coolest thing I've personally done so far is tackled some dude off a second story balcony. I broke a few fingers doing it, but I enjoyed it so much when I landed I was like "haha owwww, hahha that was awesome. haha ok fuck, hospital time"
—Bosco
Is Carson Daly still doing cocaine? I hope he drops dead. That would make me happy.
—acm323
i wouldn't give out any advice to masteel that would make him go heath ledger on us. that's laith's job.
—plurry
Pink Floyd was like the first fucking emo band anyway. SHIT! SOMEONE IN OUR BAND HAS SCHIZOPHRENIA. LETS FUCKING CRY AND WRITE SONGS ABOUT IT. OHH, AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT BEING A PRIVILEGED WHITE GUY WHO HAD AN EDUCATION, A DOMINEERING MOTHER, AND A FAILED MARRIAGE IS LIKE THE WORST THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE? LIKE, EVEN WORSE THAN SCHIZOPHRENIA?!?! LETS WRITE SOME SONGS ABOUT THAT SHIT TOO. HOLY FUCK, NOW WE'RE RICH AND FAMOUS.
—ZT-In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
What Laith does or who he kills in his free time is really none of our business, all you need to know is that he requires respect, and a healthy dose of jjgold humor to keep him from snapping.
—Kevin U.
ZT, you piss me off. One of these days I'm going to violate your tight brown star with my bangs.
—acm323
What's with your recent Jew obssession? Did you get turned down for a bank loan or something?
—acm323
It's actually Shitlick's wife. I call her "the floor" because I can walk all over her.
—Mayonnaise
If [Laith], and me, and Kevin ever combine in Colorado -- we will bring about the end of the world.
—ZT-In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
If you don't want a bunch of twerp kids hanging around your store then maybe don't sell a bunch of stuff they want.
—bguirk
Kill people before they're guilty. It's like pre-crime from pre-cum.
—ZT-In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
the design of myspace actually hurts my soul.
—bguirk
I'D DO [phonescreener Tara] LIKE A LEZ WITH UGGS ON.
—bguirk
let me ask you guys a question. have you ever read a drake post and not been like ugh he's such a fucking idiot? laith, can you please take care of this or someone get him to kill himself already?
—mandee
McCain could've nominated Bin Laden as his running mate and they'd all be having a collective orgasm over him. Fun Fact: Bin Laden more qualified than Palin to be Vice President.
—bguirk
Yea, but [bin Laden] doesn't look half as good in a short skirt and heels. Booya
—Bosco
did the guy-liner give it away? him enjoying a cock in his ass/mouth doesn't bother me at all as long as I never have to see it. him doing bad radio and ruining my favorite show should be a death sentence.
—bguirk
"This changes everything" suck my ass.
—Bosco
Oh, and don't beat off to porn that looks like your ex. That only makes it worse.
—Bosco
lol when did seattle rape ya?
—plurry
when did your school rape ya?
—bguirk
YEEEEHAW bitches. Chuck your wagon and cross that fucking river. Johnny just got typhoid so barter his ass to the natives for some more bullets and shoot you some deer, bunnies and bears. Tonight, we eat like kings. Tomorrow, we'll get robbed, break an axel, lose an oxen, and Sarah is going to break her arm and die. Yeeeeuuuuweeee.
—Bosco
I feel sorry for men who get labeled as "creepy", "perverted" by doing non-creepy things. My heart also goes out to all the date rapists out there. A date is an invitation for anal/vaginal sex, remember that ladies! j/k.
—adams_babymomma
i want you guys to eiffel tower me while josh groban's you raise me up is playing in the background. also, i want everything to be in slow motion.
—mandee
He's a lying douche whos life consists of fabricated stories to compensate for his short-cummings. (ba dum chee)
—Bosco
if you enjoy being a self righteous, pretentious prick, a mac is exactly what you need.
be sure to tell everybody you have one any time anyone mentions anything about a computer, and how much richer you life is because of it.
also, tell them your dick increased in length and width since your purchase.
—plurry
ok, what i'm going to need you to do, right now, ok, is keep the stories going by thinking about past experiences, ok, right now, and then use your fingers to type out these past experiences on the keyboard that's in front of you, ok, right now. then, what i'm going to need you to do is click on the post message button when you have completed typing out the past experiences that i have told you to think about, ok, right now.
—plurry
i believe the JHGLBT community should have all the same inherent rights that straight jenkers possess.
—plurry
When I'm raping a girl, as I climax I yell Scene! and freeze. It makes her stop crying for a moment.
Back on topic: women do not want me. Therefore, rape.
qed
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
OK--time to carry out the love-pact suicide you two. You have both achieved mayonnaise/stryker/drake levels of infamy 'round these parts.
—bguirk
That's doesn't explain the pink [browser scheme], tinkerbell fag.
—ZT-In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
omg plurry loves the color pink. he loves hard pink dicks in his mouth. do you hear that noise? it's plurry choking on something pink. it's probably a dick.
—mandee
I heart dick way too much to ever be a lesbo.
—acm323
I think ABM dropping the N-Bomb made me fall in love.
Sidenote: Did anyone else play Perfect Dark and notice they had a grenade called N-Bomb? What did it do you ask? Well, you throw it, it blows up, and out comes this massive cloud that fucks your shit up and steals your weapons, which just so happened to be black.
Side-sidenote: It was always fun when you got someone with it you could inform them that you just "niggered the shit out of them"
—Bosco
I'M A REPUBLICAN ASSYRIAN IRAQI EX-PATRIOT PERSON. LETS READ GOSSIP COLUMNS BY GAY MEN AND HAVE BANGS AND SUCK PARIS HILTON'S STRAP-ON.
—ZT-In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
I'M A COLORADO NATIVE. MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS MISSING, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT. I HATE BANGS BECAUSE IT MAKES WOMEN LOOK LIKE A LITTLE GIRLS, AND I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE A PEDO WHEN I'M WITH THEM.
—adams_babymomma
i am picturing drake very excitedly taking the realdoll out of the box, and propping it up in a sitting position on the sofa. then i picture the realdoll getting up and running out the front door (in robotic fashion) and drake sitting there with a stunned look on his face.
—airking32
There was a dude who looked just like you, standing in your front yard, in a crooked position, with a shit-eating grin for EIGHT YEARS!?? Holy fuck, dude!
—Dusty TheHick
How small does your penis have to be to talk as much shit as monkey? Are we breaching indentation?
—Bosco
Who was the bleeding heart puss that called for an ambulance? I would have let the fucker die right there on the floor. God. Why can't people be more like me?
—acm323
i wouldn't say that i have the biggest boobs ever since they make bras larger than my size, but maybe those are just for show or maybe bramakers get bored sometimes and just try to see how big of bras they can get away with making.
—mandee
what if you wear a mask and make up your boobs so they look like balls?
—stefanie
2 year olds are capable of snacking and napping between playing with toys, a few of them can be taught how to use a toilet, and they bite each other a lot.
—bguirk
i gave GHB to a JHL, and she gave a BJ to a JHF on LSD, and i was like OMFG!
—plurry
anobody likes to start off on top of the table and then fall off and then he gets back up and pushes the girl off and she's like ow wtf and he's like just shake it off bitch.
—mandee
I miss Dusty too. in a REALLy gay way
—whoisnumbaone
you got used like a tampon.
women are lame...go gay!
—adams_babymomma
i like so many shoes and i just end up buying them all. then they all give me athlete's vagina.
—mandee
My boyfriend parked next to a car [with the gas tank open] once. I shut it, and it flipped right back open. I could've been entertained for several minutes if he hadn't made me move along.
—chix0r
all I know is if you look at enough dicks you might start to like them and then you'd be totally gay.
—bguirk
I FELT LIKE A GUY WHO insulted oprah on her show and all the fat black chicks in the audience are grabbing the mic and saying lame shit while the rest cheer for em (regardless of how lame their comment was)
—000
The best place to meet nice, honest women is at those born-again church meetings for former alcoholics and drug users. They're at a place in their lives where they still have that freaky, wild side to them, and at the same time are starting to accept Jesus and all kinds of people. They'll suck your dick and tell you that Jesus loves you.
—adams_babymomma
it seems, I can't live without dick.
—jizzgrenade
A few weeks ago I went to Whole Foods and bought some fish. The guy behind the counter getting my fish was actually a chick. It looked like she had her boobs chopped off and taking hormones cuz she had a fucked up, half-assed goatee. I was so disgusted about "it" touching my fish that I seriously thought about asking for someone else to please assist me with my purchase. I mean, I don't know what type of gross "gay trannie" diseases are on her hands. She prolly shoots up drugs and lives in a STD infected crack house in the Tenderloin.
—whoisnumbaone
hmm... i think i will start calling it the "middle west" because it's a dump full of religious nut jobs somewhat like the eastern version.
—plurry
[re: tlc confessions]
jesus christ, I feel like a whore, I'd fuck like 20 of you...
—jizzgrenade
it's getting to the point where i'm actually sorta disappointed when the arrow is green. like, i was looking forward to running your ass, light. how dare you turn green on me.
—airking32
She's too ripped. I wouldn't be surprised if her clitoris is lifting weights.
—acm323
True story: I know a redhead (who happens to be a slut even) with the last name Cockburn. Stars were aligned for that one.
—Bosco
and when you're right about to bust, yell "this is for air and plurry!" and have your orgasm.
—airking32
Y'know how, on most forums, someone will start a legitimate thread, and a spammer will hijack it?
Here at TLC, a spammer starts a spam thread, and the posterhood hijacks it, and makes it into a legitimate thread.
—Dusty TheHick
[anfernee]'s still coming up with a bullet proof story [about why he went to jail] that makes it look like the world is against him. don't worry. it's coming as soon as he tells me to fuck off.
—bguirk
the thing is, even some violent crime is sexual. i can't count how many times i've beat women up because i couldn't wheedle them into bed.
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
[Molestation,] It's the new game from Pork-her-brothers.
—bguirk
I took my whole Sci-Fi collection to a used bookstore in town to sell them because they were taking up too much space in my house. The guy who priced the collection said: "Judging by your adolescent reading tastes it looks like you might've been a virgin about as long as I was."
—bguirk
oh man no wonder all the men at the pumpkin patch have boners. i thought it was because of all the school children.
—stefanie
i think he saves [the crank yankers imitation] for the bedroom. picture susan in a negligee, in a come hither position on the bed. then out of the bathroom, in a thong, comes drew.
"dr. drew in the hizeee!"
—airking32
That would have been better if you'd said pussy instead of cat because then we imagine anobody feeding a stray vagina with his erect cock and shrugging at the howls of dismay from people allergic (or intolerant of) vagina. Plus, you personally adore vagina.
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
Welcome to The Hills: TLC Edition
—miyagi-san
Will you please drown the kittens in the river, and join them in the sack before it goes in the water?
I hope you spend your last moments having your testicles and eyeballs clawed with frantic desperation by fluffy balls of seeming innocence.
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
I mean, look at what happened when Heath Ledger died. Everyone was 69ing each other watching his Batman movie. Death is so hard to be objective about.
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
most white people kill Assyrians at their weddings. we killed ours after cutting the cake.
—bguirk
It's like I can smell molestation/abuse now.
Kinda smells like sex and Mad dog 20/20.
—rAnCIDsICk@!!!
[another ye olde quote]
Women's movement, men's movement, bowel movement - the end product is identical.
—Beat It!
Mike and Liz or airking and whois
marriage joke airking and whois cuddle bear wedding gay joke marriage
hmm
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
all of [my lengthy posts] serve the greatness that is my superior intellect. eff all of you.
—bguirk
True, McCain hasn't come out and said that he wants penis in his ass. But he doesn't need to. I know that's what he wants. No, I can't prove that. I just know it in my gut. A large number of republicans are truly cock-worshipers. This guy loves big penis. He gets a hard on every time he hears the two put together...
—jizzgrenade
by moved away, he means she's in numerous hefty garbage bags strewn alongside the highways of washington.
—plurry
In fact, no gift at all is better than tucking a wrinkled twenty into the card, which is kind of insulting. Oh, thank goodness for this twenty dollars, now we can afford to eat at McDonald's.
-TortillaFactory
it's settled then, TLC sesh at mandee's. we can all smoke and put on loveline, and then we can all not laugh together.
—airking32
hmm--so I'm going to have to fly down to SF for some professional sex, then off to Mass to get high with mandee, then I'm back here to legally kill myself. Awesome.
—bguirk
CHINERS IS NOT THE PREFERRED NOMENCLATURE; CHINK AMERICAN, PLEASE.
—ZT-In
we're good at producing persecution complexes around here. mainly because we persecute people.
—bguirk
OMG SOCIALIZMS. if one more person uses the term "socialism" without having a fucking clue what socialism is I am going to kill them. HOLY SHIT THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS OUR MAIL SERVICE AND OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT I'M MOVING TO MARS
—TortillaFactory
I'd say [Teresa Strasser's] eating disorder is that she doesn't have my cock in her mouth as I type.
—Mayonnaise
i have ideas on how to tweak [Celebrity Rehab] to make it better:
the new premise would be that drew tries to treat hotties, and i try to bang them.
the object for each one is to not have sex with me for 30 days while i constantly tempt them with their drug of choice.
we'd change the name to "celebrity prolapse".
—plurry
I don't know if Daniel Craig knows this...but every time I see him...well, it's like he's speaking directly to my pussy.
—acm323
In my world, girls don't fart or shit, and one week a month their cooter is shut down for inventory. "So..baby...you ugh.. open for business or what?" and when they say "Nope" I don't ask any questions. Even if it's been several months close for business, I just assume it's a really big store.
—Bosco
plurry can cover his Christmas tree with pictures of TLC girls and ambien, and Mandee can cover hers with some gays.
—Confident Salmon
i went to a rally too, but everyone was dressed like a ghost and burning crosses. not sure what that had to do with obama's victory, but like everyone else, were really enthusiastic, and interested in him.
—plurry
if we're going to punch, we have to punch hard. if you laughed at one of his posts, what's the point of posting that. it's encouraging. if you're going to make a drake-related post, make sure it is full of hatred and your words are violent.
—mandee
despite all my rage, i'm still taking Glucophage
—plurry
['nother oldie quote]
Sex offenders don't smile enough.
—ZT Spice
Mmm, a dollop of guano with some bacon bits sprinkled on top. Now that's a potato!
—Confident Salmon
STICK THE TURKEY'S HEAD UP YOUR ASS AND SQUEEZE REALLY HARD. WHEN YOU HEAR A POP, THE TURKEY HEAD WILL BE CRUSHED AND WILL START BLEEDING. INVERT YOUR BODY SO THE TURKEY BLOOD RUSHES DOWN IN TO YOUR ASS. YOUR TIGHT GRIP ON IT'S HEAD WILL PREVENT IT FROM RUNNING UNTIL IT FINISHES BLEEDING TO DEATH.
REPEAT UNTIL YOU LOVE JESUS.
—ZT-In
if you really like something, it's imperative you find a way to buy in bulk to get the price per unit down.
otherwise, you're prolapsing your wallet's anus.
—plurry
[to get Adam to do morning radio,] somebody dropped him more nickels than loveline was dropping
—000
awesome. I'm now waiting for someone to produce "Loose Change: TLC Edition."
—bguirk
there's black people everywhere, and there's one in my anus as we speak!
—adams_babymomma
if u went out to dinner 1 night and saw a dude spraying diarhea all over his boyfriends face for 30 seconds, it would likely mess up the rest your night - certainly more than 30 seconds worth
—000
Definitely Boning should be a facebook martial status.
—Bosco
my dream Everclear set would involve Art dying on stage or a least losing the ability to sing/play. He needs to stop pretending that they are a Portland band.
—bguirk
I still have sex on the regular. Only I have to work for it instead of it being at home waiting. Or in [shitlick's] case, cuffed and screaming for help.
—Bosco
you could shove [shitlick's] crooked nose bridge deep in shit, and he honestly wouldn't believe it was shit if he wasn't inclined.
—plurry
Women are so TYPICAL. Typically smarter than legion.
—bguirk
Please pour gasoline all over yourself and light a match.
—acm323
If you don't take the time to ejaculate in your food, it's like you don't care.
—ZT-In-Bosco
eff you plurry. You couldn't start a net fight if you tried. Why don't you do us all a favor and take a whole bottle of whatever pills you're pushing this week.
—bguirk
I totally deserve to be gangraped by aged television newscasters.
—catloaf
jebus is magic. he made me awesome. this little light of mine, I'm going to make it shine all over mandee.
—bguirk
if I owned a guitar store and someone brought me a guitar to be tuned I'd take it from them and not give it back.
—bguirk
i want a laser that vaporizes people leaving no evidence. i'd get rid of tons of assholes every day with that thing
—000
You jack therefore you are a bad Mormon. Bad Mormon. Bad. Now git.
—bguirk
I'll make [jenkem research] my New Year's resolution and lobby it to be a priority for the Obama government. I ask you America: How can you have change w/o Jenkem?
—bguirk
i'm going to have six kids and name them each a letter of my name. NO! OMG I'M GOING TO HAVE 4 KIDS AND NAME THEM AFTER THE GOLDEN GIRLS! SHIT I'M A GENIUS. NO! 4 GIRLS AFTER THE GOLDEN GIRLS AND 4 BOYS AFTER THE KINGS OF COMEDY! awww lil cedric the entertainer. he'll be born in a fedora and gold suit.
—mandee
I'm going to the pistol whipping range on Thursday. What's the best gun to smash upside some fool's head?
—bguirk
you are a liquid poster.
—plurry
we DO call the kittenloaf Litler, as in Little Hitler because she's a tiny dick tater.
—catloaf
Hey, if you folks wanted to win so much, why didn't you forge votes for your candidate, huh?
—jizzgrenade
this dude has more venom in his lil pinky than drake does in his entire blubbery body.
—plurry
anyway, striker sorry you live in a trailer and don't have a job. sorry god sees me fit to have it all and leaves you shit.
—stefanie
Drew should really just go on all shows and just start group sessions on the air. NPR day would be amazing.
—bguirk
i like abortion. as far as why, i'm torn between tastes great vs. less filling.
—plurry
Can I interest you in my fine supply of ether and rags? What will it take to get you into this roofie?
—bguirk
Hmm... I would like another thread dedicated to my dick.
—ZT-In-Bosco
Loveline with Stryker is like a beautiful, rock hard penis with a Prince Albert. The penis is perfect and I was so excited about it, until I saw the Prince Albert. Now I'm disgusted and I have no use for the penis.
—acm323
jizzy, dusty lives in monaco. part of his OCD is compulsively checking the temperature in random US cities. and he's self conscious about said OCD, so shut the fuck up about it.
—airking32
Seattle area TLC'ers--you too can see Darwin take out the garbage at the Tacoma dome this:
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!
—bguirk
pizza with canadian bacon is totally yum. ever have it with canadian bacon, pineapple, and hot pepperoncini rings? it will pull down your pants and taunt your weenie.
—pookie
[past quote, chola-style]
YES!!! DUSTYS BRAINZ R ON THE WALL AND ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO PRETTY!!!! LOL!!!! IT LOOXS JUST LIEK CHERRIE JELLO THATS MY FAVORETE FLAVOR!!! JUST HAD A TASTEMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM GOOD HAHA!! I HAVE A GREAT IDEA NAKED JELLO WRESTLING OMG ITS GONG TO BE BANGING!!! IMMA POST PIXS ON MYSPACE OF ME IN MY STUNNA SHADES HAHAHA!!!
—doingdoingdoing
whoa. whoa. whoa. we don't hate on stella. fuck off, kraut.
—mandee
omg thank you for protecting me from internet bullies i am crying and shaking.
—doingdoingdoing
[she's been up to]
fisting
—adams_babymomma
omg you downsy adrian grenier, the smegma from your uncut wang smells of sauerkraut and rotten sausage and has gone to your brain. i was giving my preference, don't be a bitch because you can't spell. besides i'm much less petty than chixor, all she does is correct people
-doingdoingdoing
This guy is not even singing in Arabic. Its just some shit that Busta made up. I don't like this song. It's going to make all the Arabs think they're cool. Everytime this song comes, Arabs in their accent will say "represent", and bust out with some Saddam Hussein dinars. LOL..
—adams_babymomma
setting terrorists free makes [obama] a stud. what, you're scared of a few suicide bombers? you puss.
—doingdoingdoing
andrew got drunk, passed out, then woke up to some frat guy performing digital on him.
—plurry
i say spic pretty much every other word i speak.
—mandee
If they're crying for their father instead of their mother when you shove the hose from the fire extinguisher up their ass, it's because you squeezed the handle and their intestines are freezing. Tell them their only hope is to piss all over themselves for warmth and then laugh at the frozen atrophy of their bladder.
This is all in the manual on Enhanced Interrogation Techniques for Tough Canadians.
—ZT-In-Bosco
acm doesn't sweat the details. they get in the way of calling kids pussies.
—doingdoingdoing
last night your hand became a man.
—doingdoingdoing
just break wind in his face and he'll have his windbreaker.
—bguirk
[appearing like a sophisticated, confident, book/street smart person] is what salespeople tell other salespeople is the key to sales when the key to success in sales is a personality disorder that chix0r doesn't suffer from.
—bguirk
Are you implying that Billy Mays has a personality disorder? Listen Billy Mays is the shit. He combines the skills of marketing and sales, something most people can't do.
I'm pretty sure he's good at phone sex too. BILLY MAYS HERE. WHAT ARE WEARING? WHAT COLOR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR? YOU HAVE A STAIN ON YOUR UNDERWEAR? WELL TRY OXICLEAN, IT WILL GET THE STAIN OUT!
—adams_babymomma
i'm with stefanie. i'm not going to get drunk with just one of you. it's all or nothing. but nothing isn't an option. it's all.
—mandee
I'll love my kid for about three years while he's cute then ignore him until he can play basketball/fetch me things from the kitchen.
-bguirk
chix0r, you could totally be a security screener at the airport. They're all cold and mechanical and stuff.
—jezebel
WHEN PLURRY IN TOWN SOMEBODY GON GET PREGNANT
—mandee
people who wear snuggies look like they've joined a cult. time to kill the boys and rape the girls I suppose.
—bguirk
is [a flame retardant] different than a flaming retard?
—bguirk
i like to imagine her firing out babies from her vagina one after the other like a machine gun.
—mandee
There was an anti-rape campaign at CU Boulder a while back, one of the slogans chalked all over the campus was "MEN, STOP RAPING WOMEN!" It's almost having an anti-suicide bombing campaign with a slogan like "MUSLIMS, STOP BLOWING YOURSELVES UP!"
—ZT-In-Bosco
if bob saget raped me, i wouldn't scream. i'd probably start laughing and i'd be thinking omg bob saget is raping me i can't wait to tell everyone i know.
—mandee
to be fair though - halitosis is rape
—anobody
don't worry--I still think you're all special flowers. nutty special flowers.
—bguirk
[Cyrus series deluxe]
[Miley Cyrus's brother is in a band called M]etro [station]? the jokes are writing themselves.
-
i heard he has a side project called closet depot.
-
or, was it trans-gender terminal?
-
OR WAS IT HOMO HEADQUARTERS? I FORGET.
—plurry
..but the glove might break and dark green might get an abortion, ruining awag's chances of being respected as a young republican.
—adams_babymomma
there should be a vending machine that will spit out a whois gimp for a dollar.
dusty, i need you, a laptop and a large box with a change maker. we're going to vegas, baby!!!
—plurry
i think sploozer is wrong. the hymen should be compared to a susan b. anthony dollar and drew can't be bought for anything less than a farthing.
—pookie
[your bets on my death are] all wrong, I'm goin out by possums. LEGIONS of them. and I'm seeing a claymore interjected in there somewhere.
—anfernee
During a one night stand I farted while the chick was climbing on top of me. It was really loud and really long. LIke a 6 second fart.
—whoisnumbaone
You guys ever watch fireworks and see the sperm fireworks they shoot? They totally look like sperm. They even look like they're swimming. I love sperm fireworks! They make me happy. :-)
—acm323
for me its been so long my hymen grew back
—000
mandee, let's meet up and burn one down when i am in boston. we can take a picture of us smoking, post it here, and then kellogg's will drop our sponsorships and we will have to issue public apologies, it will be the stuff TLC legends are made of.
—airking32
Sure I was kidnapped and sexually molested by a shemale stranger who dressed as Gumby while making me wear an Uncle Sam costume and call him Mr. President while he sodomized me with a pickle... but then who wasn't?
—anobody
[blast from the past, left edition]
Seattle = Stupid Environmental Activists Trying To Look Elegant.
—left arm to the vending machine
If only I would read the hydrogen audio wiki page on LAME (which I, of course, haven't), I would see the light and realize that you have the one true codec.
—anobody
This must have been more than a bitch slap, he probably used an umbrella-ella-ella.
—adams_babymomma
my professor wants me to call her again tomorrow. she'll wind up using me as research for her study on stupid white people.
—mandee
lol - the office people were trying to kill whois.
—plurry
In my experience, Wiccans are like water molecules. You have one fat girl bonded with two smaller girls. Oxygen is bigger than hydrogen, right?
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
DUZ SHE LIEK RUVRINE? ASK HER IF SHE RIKES RUVRINE.
—mandee
lol glitter tips. it's pretty rare that a guy would say she's so hot, her fingernails were glittery as fuck. but i mean, everyone's got their fetish.
—mandee
I NEED SOMEONE WITH LEE PRESS ON NAILS TO JERK ME OFF. IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN COME.
—plurry
I spent v-day at the hospital but ran to the pharmacy and saw a line of loser dudes buying a bunch of cheap last minute crap (plastic flowers) for their ladies. The line was literally 10 losers deep.
—bguirk
Lena, your crushes are allowed to control you and beat you, as long as they're cute and they pay for dinner.
—jezebel
The internet is all fun and games until someone shows up on your fucking doorstep.
—ZT-In-MajandraFan
The reason I don't listen to Stryker-Loveline is because it is so often so cringeworthy that the hairs stand up on my skin and my knees and elbows feel like I've just banged them against something wooden, like a desk, which I just have, cuz it's so bad.
—ZT-In-MajandraFan