Saturday, June 7, 2008 at 2:37 PM i've successfully translated chola to english! i've taken abm's last submission in the chola thread, and painstakingly translated this strange text into something everyone can read, understand and enjoy.
SOOOO ITS TIME FOR SOME RANDOM JABBER JABBER MABBER!! HAHAHAA...
it is time for a few of my random thoughts. SOMETHING THATS ON MI MIND...PEOPLES MOTIVES! something weighing heavily upon me are the motives of others. I DUNNO, PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME KNOW I QUESTION -EVERYONES- MOTIVES WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO GET TO KNOW ME i'm confused. those who know me realize i question everyone's motives, especially if they try to get to know me. I'VE HAD GURLS USE ME JUSS TO GET NEXT TO MY BROTHER, IVE HAD PEOPLE USE ME JUSS TO GET INVITED TO SOME PARTIES, IVE HAD PEOPLE USE ME JUSS SO THEY COULD BE APART OF A DANCE TEAM OR FUNCTION I WAS HEAD OF, I'VE HAD OLD FRIENDS COME BACK INTO MY LIFE AND NOT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS... i have had girls use me just to get to my brother. i've had others use me to get invited to parties or other functions, or so they could be a part of my dance team. i've had a myriad of people from the past return to my life for the wrong reasons. OVERALL I'VE HAD PEOPLE USE ME SO OVERALL I PUT UP A WALL AGAINST PEOPLE, NOW IVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT TO WHERE IF YOU DO SOMETHING SHADY -YOUR OUTTA HERE- i've been so used and abused, initially by my primary caretakers, that i have put up a wall against people. i developed oppositional defiance disorder as a teen. now, i'm fairly anti social and very much borderline.
if you so much as blink in a way i do not care for, i will attack you verbally and/or physically. then, you will cease to exist in my world. IM TIRED OF TOLERATING PEOPLES CRAP!! IS THAT A BAD THING? AFTER PUTTIN UP WITH PEOPLES CRAP FOR SOOOO LONG AND NOT SAYING ANYTHING, FORGIVING AND FORGIVING AND PUTTING MYSELF INTO THAT POSTITION OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IVE DECIDED IVE HAD ENOUGH!! i've grown weary of the problems of others, and wonder if i'm in the wrong or not.
i've tried tolerating the bothersome habits and issues of others without saying much.
i seem to be stuck in this rut where i forgive mistakes over and over again. i have had enough of being taken advantage of.
i wish my alcoholic father hadn't beaten me and my mom so much when i was younger. this is how i learned to blame myself for the actions of others as i cannot process a primary caretaker being unnecessarily abusive. SOME TELL ME IM RIGHT FOR WHAT IM DOING AND OTHERS TELL ME TO STOP THINKING ABOUT MYSELF AND TO FORGIVE! my friends are divided into two different camps: the cluster B group feels that i am right for building this "wall". the co dependent group urges me to put others first and to always forgive. WHATS THAT SAYING..IF THE FIRST TIME HE HURTS YOU IT IS HIS FAULT BUT IF HE HURTS YOU AGAIN FOR A SECOND TIME IT IS YOUR FAULT!! i'm reminded of an ancient chinese proverb: "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE TYPE OF PERSON IF YOU ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING MY FIRST REACTION IS TO ASK -WHY- AND FROM MY EXPERIENCE ITS -NOT- A BAD THING I EVEN FIND MYSELF QUESTIONING CLOSE FRIENDS MOTIVES AT TIMES ISNT THAT SAD?!? i have always been the type of person to be very suspicious when someone asks something of me. i always question why, and from experience, i do not think that is wrong.
unfortunately, my long history of abuse has caused me to mistrust even my closest friends, and question them also. this is very sad. DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY? YOU CAN BE SITTING THERE LAUGHIN IT UP WITH A FRIEND AND JUSS HAVE A STRANGE FEELING AND BE THINKING IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD -OKKKKKAY WHATS THIS HEFFA UP TO NOW?- ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS SOMEONE WHO YOU HAVENT TALKED TO IN AWHILE OR THAT OLD FRIEND WHO DECIDED TO POP BACK IN YOUR LIFE. do others feel this way?
i find myself passing time with a friend, yet i can't shake this persistent paranoia. i have this unsettling feeling that my heifer sized friend is about to ask something of me, or possibly drop some bad news.
i always get this feeling when talking with someone, friend or acquaintance, that i haven't spoken with in a long time I GO THROUGH THESE AKWARD STAGES WHERE IM TESTING PEOPLE TO SEE IF THEY ARE REALLY HERE FOR YOURS TRUELY!! i've become hypervigilant, and my bent antenna causes my radar to alarm even when not under attack. my counter defense is to surreptitiously tests others repeatedly to prove their loyalty. ...WELL WHAT IM SAYING IS THAT QUESTIONING PEOPLES MOTIVES ISNT A BAD THING NOW-A-DAYS YOU CANT REALLY TRUST ANYONE SO BE ON GAURD! to sum it up, it's perfectly healthy to believe that everyone is out to take advantage of you, and remain on defense twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.
maybe someday, i will be hired by a rich chola (lol) to edit their blogs so that they can communicate effectively with the masses.
i've found my calling. yes, i have.
—plurry | 
