Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 1:52 AM Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady
I haven't seen her since Monday, the 2nd of April, 2007. It was a public holiday. The previous night I came within whispers of telling her what needed to be told. Not that I love her, of course, for that was neither relevant nor certain. I almost told her what I'd rehearsed 13 dozen times: that... When that night was very late and almost over, with an overipe moon hanging, we all sat down to bed. For a moment I saw her the way Dreams Accomplished might have shown me all the time. She was in rough cloth shorts and a singlet top. Not a drop of makeup or inch of heel anywhere. Didn't get to see her standing like that. Not standing simple. She jumped into her bed before the others could notice at all. And I told her roughly all that little view, and she painfully gigglefully smiled that no-one gets to see her like this.
Lights out!
I floated up to the ceiling and down, and up, and down. Ouch. She was right there. Less than 2 metres. I could have reached out for... don't think along those lines lest you find yourself in a hilariously embarrassing sitcom moment. I slept awake, with my eyes seeing warped dimensions of the room. My feet were passing through the bunk bed to my left and my head was made of wood. I was clenching my jaw as hard as the hottest fever; my head felt like it was made of wood, like it was being dashed against wood, like I was brittle and painful and empty.
Snap, out of that bed. I can't lie here next to her, and let go. I sit outside. Did they notice me go? No. I sit outside and huddle against the cold. Moments pass. Walking now through the motel, past reception, onto the footpath outside. The moon is still there. The cars are processional eternal, like no-one's driving. They don't see me. I find small comfort under a big old tree a ways down the street and try to get warm.
My mind is dragged slowly over the moments. They aren't passing. What time is it? I trudge, and sit, and trudge again, and huddle, and trudge. My legs burn and my face is numb with the night. The cars pass me. I have a mournful song or 10 in my head and try to sing them. No comfort. I feel my body, so out of shape, so unwashed, so sore. I see the horizon past the trees and hills. I can't help thinking about everything.
Why am I still here!!
27. I can't keep track of the numbers. The days intersect in every possible direction. My mind is tearing itself to pieces for diversion. Memories of memories and memories of real times burn with the failure and the forgetfulness and the horrible crushing fear and the stench of laziness and the waste and the easy way out at the time and the fucking everything horrible and I'm cutting myself to ribbons slicing my way from every point to every other point of my existence, my existence that I hate and don't understand.
Is she sleeping? Are they sleeping? What time is it? I'm so cold. I'm hungry, I hurt. I want to... I can't. I...
Wandered up to the petrol station, so wretchedly desperate for anything resembling human contact. I ask the guy delivering bread what the time is and he answers with the confirming disgust; I'm a beast.
This process continues forever. Scars everywhere. No blood to show anyone. Eventually the sun rises. Eventually after forever. I can't.
Back at the motel room, outside. No sign of life. She's in there. Don't think about it. Wander down past reception and into the pool area. Sit on a plastic white chair wet with the night air.
I want to die. I don't want to feel like this. Everything that could have been is over and I will never get things right. I must die.
But I still want to see that concert, and order that album, and finish that story. Then I can. What reasons again? Concert, album, story. I can get those done. Then I'm done. Or maybe things will be better. But they won't. I'll get those done. Concert, that's next week. Album, that's soon. Story, I can get that done really soon. Then I can let go. Concert, album, story.
Wandering past the road onto a field. Sports field, school, soccer, games, past, running, skids, smell of grass everywhere, wet dew. The sun is warm. Finally, warm. Hungry. Like being hungry, it's something to hold onto. Huddle on a log, shivering after The Forever torture endured, triumphed over because I'm still alive. The insects and birds are something to watch for a moment.
Now they can see me. They look as they sit in the jam. Cute girls, boring old people, little kids, dogs. Pedestrians out for fun with pets or not. They all pass me by.
I'm back. Sun up. People to watch all around. Nothing to see. Cleaners, travellers. How miserable are they? I have no idea. The cleaners don't look delighted. The cars go on to work. World getting started. This city is so much busier.
I can hear them now. They stir. It's been hours. She comes out. She's the first. I don't play it cool. I'm just numb. Brief conversation.
We ring the bell for breakfast over and over. I realize then that it rings in another room. A bothered motel worker with a Scandinavian accent to her asks us what we want. She giggles like we're pranksters at school. What am I doing. We leave. I'm trudging in mud while she glides in denial that becomes her.
She has a chocolate bar for breakfast and buys me one too. Now I feel hungry and ill.
The next six hours pass well enough. They don't take forever. I sit by her in the car as it pistons us back to home. What a misery. Didn't tell her. Can't touch her. Fuck.
Her boyfriend met us in the car park. She waved goodbye and disappeared.
For the next four days I was physicall ill. The depression penetrated the membranes. It was almost justified. Tried to forget, and melt into something else.
I heard she started it. I haven't seen her since so I don't know. Fuck. Mournful and angry when I think of her. Too late. Never see her again now.
I didn't help her. Fuck.
Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady Malady —MajandraFan |
