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whoisnumbaone |
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Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 9:25 PM I have 2. Ill start with this one! When I was in Jr high, me and my friends used to walk to the library and do our homework after school. There was a study room we reserved in the back where they had an assortment of world atlas's and encyclopedias. Well, as we sat around the meeting table minding our own business some older guy came in and took a look at a huge world atlas and left with it. A few minutes later he came in, sat the book down on the meeting table where we were all studying, looked at another atlas, and walked out of the room. About 2 min later my buddy is all "whats that smell?" He oppened the book, and low and behold a huge, brown, fudge dragon was smashed flat in between some of the pages in the atlas. This thing was HUGE. we all screamed "AH!!!!" and we ran out of the room as fast as we could. My buddy went back in the room and grabbed the book and was goin to take it to the circulaiton esk becasue we figured that unless we gave them the heads up, they were likely to blame us for the incident since we had rented out the room. As we waited in line people kept sniffing and looking around to see what that foul odor was. when we finally got to the check out lady we plopped open the book on the desk and she was like "oh myyyyy?" Everyone in line saw. It was great! —whoisnumbaone |
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TortillaFactory |
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Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 9:57 PM anfernee's not even going to open this thread, except to bitch at everyone for talking about poop. —TortillaFactory |
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ZT Spice |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 11:47 AM POOP IS THE PUNCHLINE, NOT THE STORY. ^ ATTN: LAITH. —ZT Spice |
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plurry |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 1:56 PM
Edited Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 1:57 PM i was six years old, and playing a video game on my atari 2600. i had been playing for over an hour, and was about to beat my mom's bf's top score. i had to crap, but there was no pause button back then. there was no turning back! he watched me play, and decided to start making me laugh so i'd mess up.
well, laughed i did, to the point where i tuned my tighty whities brown, but i didn't mess up the game on the way to getting the high score. —plurry |
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pookie |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 3:17 PM ^ Now THAT'S dedication. —pookie |
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mandee |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 7:25 PM omg dusty just made his best post ever. —mandee |
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bguirk |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:42 PM This scenario has replayed itself in my adult life several times and you'd think I'd learn from it but whatever: Ingredients: Oatmeal @ breakfast, giant cup of coffee, long ass drive. The "funniest" time it happened was while driving up to cross country ski and upon getting out of the car realizing I was a few minutes away from crapping my pants and the nearest outhouse was a little more than half a mile across an open meadow (meaning people could see me squat from a mile away). I put on my gear as fast as possible and was about to start skiing like mad for the outhouse when I realized that my poles were stuck together. I had just bought new poles and they were attached by an industrial strength plastic tie that I couldn't rip apart. I had nothing to cut the poles apart with--my knife was at home. I had a little plastic knife in my lunch to spread peanut butter w/, but after five minutes of trying to cut it I felt the turtle head poking between the french doors and realized I'd have to just give it my best shot. I skied as fast as I could transferring both polls from one hand to the other (looking like a dipshit) the whole time somehow keeping my ass clenched on the impending turd and keeping it away from my shorts. When I caught sight of the outhouse I got all excited and kicked off my skis only to sink into about 2 feet of snow and almost crapped myself from the fall. I struggled and made it to the outhouse (not knocking on the door) and didn't do any of that stuff where I held my nose or tried to hover--I took one of those craps that bring tears to your eyes. I've never felt so much relief. I got out of the outhouse and flagged down another skier who cut through the twist tie. —bguirk |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 10:40 PM
Edited Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 10:41 PM Ok heres my story #2
I used to live in Mexico for 3rd and 4th grade. In Mexico some of the sewer lines are actually creeks that run through the middle of town and off to some unknown place. There are bridges one can use to walk from one side of the creek to the other. Anyways, one time I went to the Zoo with my cousins. The shit river went around the Zoo and was next to a big grassy area. We decided to play some soccer. I accidentally kicked the ball across the other side of the shit creek and had to go get it. As i crossed over the wooden bridge I looked and saw that there were a few wooden planks that were missing. I stepped over those missing spots and successfully got the ball. On my way back, one of the wooden boards decided to break on me and I fell about 6 feet into the shit creek. I was completely submerged in shit. I leaped out with all my strength within about 3 seconds. I smelled nasty and had to throw away my clothes. I was naked for the car ride home. It sucked, but everyone laughed thier asses off. GOOD TIMES!
—whoisnumbaone |
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Masteel |
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Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 11:57 PM Oh my god bguirk, I've got tears in my eyes, that was so funny, this is such a good thread. —Masteel |
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bguirk |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 12:12 AM
Edited Monday, February 11, 2008 at 12:28 AM I sort of regret sharing that one, but it came back in a flood all of the sudden after reading this thread and like an impending shit I couldn't really stop it. It's really sad how many times I've almost crapped myself in the last few years--each and every time it's about 10 in the morning and I've had far too much coffee and I'm a million miles away from a bathroom. The only exception is at the Canadian border in BC where I was stupidly eating cherries from a farmers market for hours and got stuck in a 90 minute line to get across. I had to crap so bad from the cherries and then the guard saw them and the agriculture department decided to toss my car. I was stuck about ten paces from the can. God bless America, but fuck those cherries. The worst thing in the world is to try and act all natural and innocent in front of the border patrol when you're about to drop a load in your shorts. —bguirk |
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pookie |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 2:55 AM Re: "the turtle head poking between the french doors" I never heard that one. I've only heard of "prairie dogging." —pookie |
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bguirk |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 9:34 AM I heard it from some morning DJ several years ago, instantly got what he was talking about, and almost crashed my car I was laughing so hard. Might've been Mark & Brian or it could've been Portland local. —bguirk |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 12:15 PM This is afernee's Ok, this goes against all I believe, but at least it's MY excrement and not someone else's. Anyway, it's my freshman year in High School, and I've still never had a first kiss [I used to be super shy], and there's this girl that realllly likes me in Biology and I kinda liked her back and yeah it was cute. So then the teacher announces we have a field trip to some place called Yosemite. The day of the trip comes and, the girl decided to come! It wasn't mandatory. I sat down and guess who sat right next to me on the bus? Anyway, we got there, hiked down some giant hill and tired the hell outta me, and we fell behind the pack. I then realized I had to "go" reallly badly. We took a bus back up to the top and we got seperated from the rest of the class, so it's just me and girlie, and we're on this weird bus with weird hiker people, and I am fidgeting everywhere. We FINALLY get back on the charter which has a restroom on it [Thank GOD!], I do a mad dash for it while everyone else is still outside. SON OF A BITCH! IT'S OUT OF SERVICE! At this point I'm about to pop, so I sit down and think about what I'm going to do. The girl asks if something's wrong. I don't reply and suddenly run off the bus and everyone's like yelling "what the fuck are you doing? we're about to leave!" I ignore them and run to the yosemite market, and sprint to the bathroom, open the door and...lo and behold: SOMEONE's IN THE FUCKING STALL! I basically say to myself "you've got to be shitting me, this is the worst situation ever" I look under and from the look of this hispanics guys chubby legs, he was not going anywhere anytime soon. Well the bus is about to leave, and I am literally fucked, so I drop the shorts and "release" onto the urinal. Here's another twist to the story. I happen to be lactose intolerant and let's just say I had a bit too much cheese on my cheese and pastrami sandwich. Yeah, diarreah decided to strike at the worst possible time. It basically shot out of me at 100 mph and covered the urinal. The urinal happened to face the freaking door, so I'm like "omg someone from my class is gonna walk in..." but no, a little 8 year old kid walks in, looks at me, looks like he's about to cry then runs back out, slightly hilarious. So I finish up and, dear god, it had gotten everywhere. That urinal was fucked. Then I stand there bottomless and realize, no toilet paper. And FUCKING bathroom had those blow-dryers. SO I take off the red polka dot [I still remember what they looked like] boxers and just wipe myself clean as possible. I throw my shorts back on, ditch the boxers on the floor and go outside. I buy a Chewie bar and run back to the bus and claim the Chewie bar is why I held everyone up for 10 minutes, cause I "just HAD to have one" I told my irate teacher. I reclaimed my place on the bus next to the girl, and she's like "what the heck did you do??" I looked at her and just said "trust me, you do NOT want to know" and started laughing. Oh yeah then a little bit later after we had departed, I thought of not only the kid I probably traumatized, but also the people that had to clean that up, what they must be thinking: "What. The. Fuck.", and also I pictured the fat guy in the stall's reaction. He's hearing someone shit outside the stall and thinking "I'm sitting on the only toilet, so where exactly is that going??" and then him walking out and seeing it. ah, I was laughing my ass off. That girl thought I was crazy after that, and the ride home was so uncomfortable with no underwear on, and me smelling like shit. But yeah, hilarious story that I've had to keep to myself all these years, until now. Oh and I talked to that girl recently, and she said she wanted me to kiss her so badly that day either when we were hiking or on the busride back, I just laughed to myself again. afernee —whoisnumbaone |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 12:18 PM Airking takes a shower after everytime he dukes. Ive been trying to get into that habbit. Hey airking, tell us about your smear theory and how you discovered it. —whoisnumbaone |
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plurry |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 2:45 PM
Edited Monday, February 11, 2008 at 2:45 PM Airking takes a shower after everytime he dukes. Ive been trying to get into that habbit. why do you want to take on his retard habit? lol habbit look, i'm into personal cleanliness too, but i don't feel the need for a shower after each duke. no one should. they should seek therapy if they feel that way. it's time consuming and a bio waste. for me, the key is to keep baby wipes with your toilet paper. you can get like 120 of them for $2 at walmart.
after doing your business and wiping with regular toilet paper, take a baby wipe and clean up the ol' 'shoot until you'd feel comfortable eating off it.
much easier, quicker, you get just as clean and don't waste water. —plurry |
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Beat It! |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 3:32 PM but i don't feel the need for a shower after each duke. no one should. they should seek therapy if they feel that way. - plurry ^ Truth. Hell, I don't think even Dusty takes a shower after he craps and if doesn't, no one has a good excuse for it. —Beat It! |
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000 |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 5:25 PM sharted huuuge while driving to school for finals. no good place to pull over so it began to soak thru everything. pulled up at school b4 it reached the seat. had laundry in the car so i just changed, wiped, and tossed my undies out the window and went to class —000 |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 7:39 PM Hey 000, if it hadnt of been finals would you have just gone home?
lol nice one btw
—whoisnumbaone |
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Masteel |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 8:34 PM sharted huuuge while driving to school for finals. no good place to pull over so it began to soak thru everything. pulled up at school b4 it reached the seat. had laundry in the car so i just changed, wiped, and tossed my undies out the window and went to class —000 Wipe or not man, I bet the nearest peeps in desks to you were going "What the fuck smells like shit?" No way to wipe the stink off. —Masteel |
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Masteel |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 8:38 PM so I drop the shorts and "release" onto the urinal. -afernee OMG, a Urinal Deuce! Straight from South Park! Man that's so funny, I'm almost inclined to not believe it. You know, it's funny how we try and do something as socially correct as possible. I mean, there's probably only a cunt hair's difference in shitting in the urinal, or shitting on the floor, if any difference at all, yet your brain said, "Urinal, more appropriate than floor" —Masteel |
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Dusty TheHick |
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Monday, February 11, 2008 at 9:04 PM Hell, I don't think even Dusty takes a shower after he craps and if doesn't, no one has a good excuse for it. —Beat It!
Well, actually...
—Dusty TheHick |
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adams_babymomma |
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 6:32 PM
Edited Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 6:34 PM taken from some other message board: It's not my story and I didn't write it. It kinda sounds bogus though. today at school some freshman shit her pants during lunch.
fancykidx
Registered user
i feel bad about it even though she was a huge huge slut and no one at our school likes her :|
she apparently had a really bad case of diarrhea, but her parents made her come to school anyway
i was sitting with my friends and then all of a sudden everyone starts running in our direction and holding their nose and shit and i was all "lmao wtf is happening"
and then someone told me she shit her pants.
and all she did was sit there and cry.
and she had to stay in school omg i felt so bad for her :[
people are gonna give her so much shit. [no pun intended.]
—adams_babymomma |
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derekho |
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 8:19 PM
Edited Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 8:20 PM Why didn't she go to the bathroom? Edit: Or take some Imodium. —derekho |
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key grabber |
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 12:36 PM One of my favorite poop stories.
I took a nice solid stanley steamer in the commode, however this particular log was unflushable. So naturally I took the dam thing out and placed it into a nearby towel. Next, I took the towl staight to the dumpster in my alley. I was 19 at the time.
I love this thread.
I love shit :p —key grabber |
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bguirk |
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 12:39 PM
Edited Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 12:42 PM "towl" and "dam." Just sayin'. So naturally I took the dam thing out and placed it into a nearby towel. You are not normal. Ever thought of getting a stick or a toilet paper tube and breaking it in half? —bguirk |
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mandee |
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 1:18 PM one time anobody pooped in his pants because he wanted to see 'superstar' with molly shannon so badly. —mandee |
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key grabber |
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 1:38 PM "towl" and "dam." Just sayin'. So naturally I took the dam thing out and placed it into a nearby towel. —bguirk Aren,t you anal...
—key grabber |
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bguirk |
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008 at 1:41 PM Anal? Compared to some others around here I went easy on you. I know that wasn't your first post but welcome to the forum. You're the new official fecalphiliac. MOFTW. —bguirk |
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bguirk |
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Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 1:33 PM sharted huuuge while driving to school for finals. —000 Wipe or not man, I bet the nearest peeps in desks to you were going "What the fuck smells like shit?" No way to wipe the stink off. —Masteel Just thought I'd mention that I sharted today as well, but thanks to this thread I suspected it as a shart and made my way to a gas station bathroom to find out it was indeed a shart. Thanks for helping me save a pair of boxers 000. I think in the right bathroom (not the one I was in today) you could recover as long as the dook hasn't run down your leg. With enough soap and paper "towls" you could properly wash your ass and toss the offending underwear. —bguirk |
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bguirk |
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Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 9:34 PM like boobs. —bguirk |
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chix0r |
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Friday, February 15, 2008 at 8:09 AM >>Re: "the turtle head poking between the french doors" I never heard that one. I've only heard of "prairie dogging." While he pooped, my boyfriend used to watch his roommate's turtle for inspiration. —chix0r |
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plurry |
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Friday, February 15, 2008 at 1:40 PM ask him if he and the turtle ever pooped simultaneously. turtle poop lulz —plurry |
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000 |
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Friday, February 15, 2008 at 5:59 PM when i was like 5 at a sleepover camp i didnt know where the bathroom was. i was embarrassed to ask so i thought i'd b sly and just shyt myself. stayed in those undies til they got crusty. i remember friends asking "who farted". mom wasnt too stoked finding the undies when she unpacked my bag. red bunhuggers with a huge crusty turd still in it —000 |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Friday, February 15, 2008 at 9:17 PM so i thought i'd b sly and just shyt myself. stayed in those undies til they got crusty H.L. —whoisnumbaone |
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Dusty TheHick |
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Friday, February 15, 2008 at 9:29 PM It was "red bunhuggers with a huge crusty turd still in it" that did it for me.
—Dusty TheHick |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Saturday, February 23, 2008 at 11:13 AM HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I just showed this thread to my buddy who is not a TLC poster, and he HL'd! It was great. —whoisnumbaone |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 4:28 AM
Edited Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 4:33 AM I guess pooping went out of style? —whoisnumbaone |
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bguirk |
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 9:50 AM I still do it every day--usually after my morning macchiato. —bguirk |
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Masteel |
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 8:28 PM This isn’t my best poop story, it may not even be good, but it is recent. Today, I’m at work, and I feel the dreaded weight in my gut. I hate to poop at work, because sometimes it doesn’t pinch off well, and then I end up smearing poop on my ass for 10 minutes making sure it’s all gone, cause there’s probably not much worse than being in a cubicle next to someone who smells like shit all day. So I sit down, and everything’s going well, except for the fact that I’m still pooping long after I should have stopped. I think I’m done, I start to get up, and no here comes some more. So, after ten minutes, I’m pretty sure it’s done, so I get up to flush, and look down and there’s so much poop, the poop has actually cleared the water. There was a good ½ inch of crap sticking it’s head out of the bowl water. I don’t get that nervous though about the toilet being able to flush that much shit and toilet paper, because that toilet is like an airplane toilet, it flushes so hard and loud that it startles me sometimes. So, I flush, and instead of the usual engine-like scream of the toilet, it meekly gurgles a couple of times, tries to go down, then terrifyingly starts to bubble up, and the water starts to rise. I’m like, “oh my god, not at work, not to me, please don’t let this happen” while my pants fall around my ankles, because I hadn’t zipped or buttoned. So, the brown water goes up, then starts to settle back down, still way above where it should be. I wait for what seems like forever, then go ahead and try it again. This time it doesn’t have it’s normal jet powered flush, but it does send it down the drain. A third flush, and the toilet’s right back to normal, whooshing that crap down the drain with power, a force to be reckoned with. So, all turned out well, but it was really scary there for a minute. If it would have been my normal low-flow toilet at home, I’d have been plunging. —Masteel |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 8:30 PM
Edited Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 8:31 PM ^ lmao These stories NEVER get old for me. hahaha - drop trou! —whoisnumbaone |
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anobody |
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 9:35 PM one time anobody pooped in his pants because he wanted to see 'superstar' with molly shannon so badly. That's true (other than missing all of the details and that seeing superstar had nothing to do with the cause of the evacuation) —anobody |
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Dusty TheHick |
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 9:55 PM I don't know, dude...That flick might make ME want to shit all over the floor, TOO. —Dusty TheHick |
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anobody |
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 9:57 PM The only issue there is that the time ordering was wrong (unless it was actually so incredibly bad that going to see it a few hours in the future did it). —anobody |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Friday, March 7, 2008 at 2:23 PM hahahah.... i just showed this thread to my cousin, and he was grossed out becasue he said that he knws EXACTLY where that urinal in Yosemite is. Appearantly he was just there. GOOD TIMES! —whoisnumbaone |
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anfernee |
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Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 12:14 AM no shit? if it really is the same one than that is hilarious. It'd be funny if they like put a net over it or something, so you couldn't "repeat" what I did. —anfernee |
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whoisnumbaone |
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Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 9:29 AM
Edited Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 9:29 AM ^ yeah, actually, he thought all of the poop stories were funny except for yours. when he read yours he got grossed out and didnt laugh . when i asked him why he said "dude, me and robyn just went to Yosemite a few months ago and I used that same urinal. I know exactly what hes talking about." LOL.... btw, you said no shit? :P —whoisnumbaone |
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