Tuesday, March 1, 2005 at 2:07 AM James Bond calls Loveline. I had a good reason for writing this, but I no longer recall what it was. (Yes...he's married. Long story. You don't want to know.)
ADAM: James, you're thirty-six. What's up?
BOND: Uh...hello. ADAM: What is that in the background? Could you turn your GODDAMN radio down, please? BOND: Oh, sorry - ADAM: Bad enough that I have to hear my nasally drone in my own headphones. Or cans, as we call them in the business, Drew. DREW: Cans. ADAM: That's great radio, Drew. Just repeat the last word of every sentence. DREW: Yeah. Um, I mean, sentence. ADAM: Christ. Anderson, shut Drew's mike off. BOND: Hello? DREW: Hi, James. You're from England? BOND: Yes, actually, I'm visiting. My wife comes from Washington. ADAM: That's great. What's going on? BOND: Well, um...it's rather embarrassing. ADAM: It's okay, nobody here but us and and about three hundred billion listeners. DREW: Theoretically, if anyone was listening. ADAM: Right...Drew made a funny, everyone! DREW: Hey, Adam. DO NOT take any more calls. ADAM: What's that? DREW: Do NOT. ADAM: You think you're the boss of me? Huh? Watch this! JAMES! What's your question? BOND: Um, well, the other day...I was, uh. My wife and I... ADAM: Okay, we all get the idea. You were humping. What's your question? BOND: Well, you know, normally I last for about fifteen, twenty minutes without trying... ADAM: You lucky bastard. DREW: That's very unusual. BOND: I know. But, this time, I, uh...I sort of lost control. I um.... ADAM: Blew your load? BOND: Er, yes. DREW: How far into it? BOND: Like...thirty seconds. ADAM: Ha! That's what they call Karma, Drew. DREW: No, if it was Karma, it wouldn't be his wife. It'd be a hot date that he only had one shot at impressing. ADAM: Right. Well, anyway. James. Anything unusual about this time? BOND: No, not really. DREW: How long have you been married? BOND: Two years. ADAM: Awright. DREW: Did this ever happen to you before you were married? BOND: With her? DREW: Other women. BOND. Oh. No. DREW: How many partners did you have? BOND: Uhm....many. DREW: How many? BOND: Er, quite a few. ADAM: *whacks the hold button* Drew. Caller reinactment. DREW: How many women have you been with? ADAM: *stupid caller voice* UUUHHH....A LOT. DREW: How many is a lot? ADAM: UHHHHHH...LOTS AND LOTS. DREW: A plethora. ADAM: James? BOND: Yes? ADAM: Tell us how many or we're going to hang up on you. BOND: I honestly don't know. Hundreds, maybe. ADAM: HUNDREDS? DREW: No. ADAM: James. BOND: My job allows for a lot of travelling. ADAM: Please. If I could get laid just by travelling I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be on my Zephyr, on a Greyhound bus. BOND: Women seemed to like me. DREW: Who IS this guy, James Bond? ADAM: Well his name IS James. DREW: He's British! ADAM: Ah HA. James? BOND: Yeah? ADAM: Are you an international man of mystery? BOND: *chuckles* I guess you could say that. ADAM: Okay. What do you do for a living? BOND: I really can't say. DREW: Oh my God, he IS James Bond. ADAM: Okay, I don't care anymore. James. So you were with a bunch of women, and you never had this problem before, and this was the first time. DREW: Wait, wait. James, you were with a lot of women? BOND: Yes. DREW: Did you cheat on any of them? BOND: I suppose you could say that. DREW: Uh huh. Who ended the relationships? BOND: I did, mostly. DREW: Were you using a substance at the time? BOND: Excuse me? DREW: This is classic addict behavior. BOND: Oh. I drank a little. DREW: A lot. BOND: Yes. DREW: Okay. BOND: I'm not an alcoholic, though. I went to a rehab clinic and they said I wasn't. DREW: Why did you go to a clinic? BOND: It's complicated. It was a work thing. DREW: WHAT? ADAM: Drew, why do you insist on talking to our callers? DREW: You're right. Okay, look, I'm not sure what clinic you went to. But do you find yourself engaging in compulsive behaviors? BOND: Not really. ADAM: Come on, Drew. Leave the guy alone. DREW: He was a sex addict! ADAM: Drew, please. According to you, everybody is addicted to everything. DREW: A hundred women? ADAM: Yeah. That means fifteen. DREW: Well, be that as it may, your behavior is not normal. Have you ever been to AA? BOND: No. I'm all right now. ADAM: He doesn't sound like an addict, Drew. DREW: Okay... ADAM: If you had the opportunity to hump a hundred girls, wouldn't you? *pause* ADAM: Oh, right, your wife's listening. Let me answer for Drew: Hell. Yes. It doesn't make you an addict, it makes you a dude. DREW: I dunno. ADAM: Come on. He's a passionate, passionate man, Drew. Just like yourself. DREW: Meeehh.... ADAM: Yeah, okay. DREW: We need to go to break. ADAM: Did James have a question? DREW: He came too fast. ADAM: Oh, right. DREW: Okay, James. Yeah, it's not necessarily common for someone of your age, but it does happen every once in a while. If it turns out to be a recurring problem you can talk to your doctor about it, but I can't think of any disorder that would have that symptom. ADAM: Yeah, it's called "horny 19 year old" disorder. DREW: Yeah, but he's in his THIRTIES. ADAM: So, he had an on-day. DREW: On-day? ADAM: Opposite of an off-day, Drew. Get with the program. DREW: Oh. ANDERSON: Guys? DREW: Yeah? ANDERSON: We gotta go to break. ADAM: Okay. James is okay. Talk to your doctor, or don't, and go to AA to make Drew happy. We're gonna take a little break....be right back. —TortillaFactory | 
